


everything stays (but it still changes)

by certifiedgianna



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (somewhat), Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet Ending, Death, Fluff and Angst, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, Hinata Shouyou is Sunshine, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, KageHina - Freeform, Kageyama Tobio is Bad at Feelings, Light Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, but not really?, im happy thats a tag, miwa is the best older sister
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:28:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26086471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/certifiedgianna/pseuds/certifiedgianna
Summary: beginning (n.)1. the point in time or space at which something starts.2. bright hair, bright smiles; nervous laughter.3. room 208.--kageyama tobio, hinata shoyo, and the ups and downs of living life to the fullest.or, the kagehina hospital au i decided to write.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 59
Kudos: 269





	everything stays (but it still changes)

**Author's Note:**

> hello, and welcome to my first published work for haikyuu!! i hope someone out there enjoys this oneshot that got a bit (a lot) carried away. it was extremely self indulgent, haha.
> 
> EDIT: hello!! its been 6 months since this fic and i can officially classify it as- old goddamn. i really havent touched this ship in a while, but i really want to again, since i think ive improved a ton. if youre still reading this, i hope you enjoy my old writing ^^
> 
> a few things to clear up:
> 
> this is not an accurate portrayal of friedreich’s ataxia. while i don’t know everything about the disease, i don’t believe it works this quickly. consider this a sped-up version, happening over a shorter period of time. but all the symptoms are the same, save for more of the bad stuff that made me sick to read about.
> 
> i know the irl timeline for the series Assassination Classroom and Your Lie in April is very inaccurate. this fic takes place from 2013-2014. a majority of the volumes of Assassination Classroom that you’ll see kageyama reading did not come out until after this time period, same for YLIA. however, i chose both of these because i enjoy both of these series; i think kagehina would too. also, there’s too many parallels between Your Lie in April and this fic; i had to include it somehow.
> 
> i promise there is some meaning in what tobio calls shoyo at different points,,it's not just me being inconsistent!
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoy this, because i enjoyed writing it :D 
> 
> thank you to a close friend of mine for dealing with me and reading this through, piece by piece; it makes me happy to know you enjoyed it! sorry in advance for those dang formatting errors, ill figure ao3 out one day...i hope it doesn't take away too much from the fic until i eventually fix it.

\--

illness (n.)

1\. a disease or period of sickness affecting the body or mind.

2\. blurry hospital visits, frequent doctor appointments.

3\. wishing for something different.

\--

The hospital is a shitty place to be on a Saturday afternoon.

While the outdoors is light and cheerful and carefree, the hospital is dreary and gray, lacking any color or feeling at all. _It’s sickening_ , Tobio thinks, as he has to sit on the rigid pale-green chairs, pretending to read a model magazine. He sneaks a glance at the little girl smiling next to him (she’s 12, at the most), and her mother, who seems to be trying to hide her sorrowful tears behind a tissue.

“Next, please.” The lady at the counter (who is probably being severely underpaid for a job like this) states in a tired, monotone voice. It takes a second for Tobio to realize that’s him, he’s next, so he awkwardly puts the magazine down and stumbles to the front desk, hands shaking slightly.

“I- uh- I’m here to see my mom.” Tobio chokes out, voice definitely wavering. “Her name is Mirai- uh, Mirai Kageyama. I’m Tobio Kageyama.”

He wishes to simply shrink up and die as silence fills the air, the typing on the computer keyboard the only thing keeping his attention. Somewhere in the distance, he hears chatter, something falling, maybe someone crying, and Tobio decides that once this whole thing is over, he’ll never visit a hospital ever again.

“Date of birth?” The lady asks, and Tobio flinches slightly, stepping back, before forcing himself to breathe.

“December...22,” He’s only slightly embarrassed at the fact he has to think about it. “1996.”

Front Desk Lady just nods, smiles at him with tired eyes, and gestures off to his left. “Room 208.” She says, reading off of the computer screen. “It’ll be on your right. Visiting hours close at 7.” Tobio just bows, mumbles a quick ‘thank you’, and rushes to the room, dodging any incoming doctors or nurses that come his way. He can hear noises of the hospital clearer now, now that he’s in the heart of it; heart monitors beeping, frantic whispering, thundering footsteps as they rush down hallways. It’s busy and intoxicating, with the masks everywhere and the lack of color, and Tobio can barely breathe as he pushes open the door to room 208. He pants as he looks up, looks at his mom, sitting upward in her hospital bed with her face turned towards the window.

After a while, she turns, and Tobio wants to run away and never look back. There’s heavy bags under her eyes, and although she tries to smile sweetly at him, there’s clear tiredness in her grin, in the lack of light in her eyes.

Tobio doesn’t want to look at her; from her smile to her eyes to the tubes in her arms. From the heart monitor ominously beeping beside the bed to her greying hair- he doesn’t want to see any of it. He just looks out the window, at the sunlight streaming in through the hazy green leaves, and forces himself to suck it up. Because, although she may look worse ( _way_ worse) than the last time he visited, she’s still his mom, and Tobio still loves her.

“Mom.” He forces out, walking closer, completely closing the door behind him. “Hi.”

“Hello.” Mirai (no, mom, she’s his mom) says back. “It’s been a while.”

“I guess so.” Tobio looks around the room again, his eyes focusing on the hospital bed across from his mom, empty and seemingly prepared for a new arrival. The thought makes him sick, so he turns back. “How’ve you been feeling?”

“Alright, I guess?” She laughs, a light, carefree sound. “As well as I can be. What about you? School doing okay?”

“Well, uh…” Tobio just rubs the back of his neck and shrugs. “It’s...y’know...doing okay.”

His mom laughs again, and Tobio’s hand quickly leaves his neck. “Some things never change with you.” She grins at him, and Tobio forces himself to smile back as he steps forwards, sitting in the stool next to the bed. They fade into chatter and talk; about his dad, about Miwa, about Karasuno. She asks about volleyball, he admits he’s given it up.

He doesn’t notice the time until a nurse sticks her head in, announcing that visitor hours are over, so he stands slowly, taking his mother’s hand for a brief moment, before letting go and walking out of the hospital.

The setting sun is strangely serene, Tobio thinks, as he walks home, letting the winds ruffle his hair a bit as he has the audacity to even smile into the sunlight. While his brain tells him there’s only one way this’ll end, he refuses to listen, thinking only of his smiling mother and her incredibly kind eyes (he chooses to ignore the bags under them).

The Kageyama house is empty, as it usually is, with Miwa in university and his father being out overseas. Tobio hums to himself as he heats up leftovers for what feels like the sixth night in a row, eating them as he turns on the news. He texts Miwa about the hospital visit, and she replies with a short answer, so he deems that a lost cause, brushing his teeth and going to sleep, staring at the ceiling before he drifts away.

\--

terminal (adj.)

1\. (of a disease) predicted to lead to death, especially slowly; incurable.

2\. an empty hospital bed; the loud beep of a flatline.

3\. uncomfortable suits, numbing pain, and the feeling he’s done this all before.

\--

The funeral is on a Sunday, approximately two weeks after Tobio’s last hospital visit. He receives the sudden call when he’s stuck in school, and no matter how fast he runs, by the time he reaches room 208, he’s too late to do anything except cry and hold his mother’s limp hand as the doctors stand nearby.

Her eyes are closed, mouth in a straight line, devoid of all the joy they held such a short time ago. After a while, the nurses have to escort him out. They don’t explain much about the way his mother died to him, and he appreciates it, really, he does.

Miwa visits him once he arrives home, finding him sitting against his bedroom door, not moving, not thinking, not anything. His eyes are still, breath barely coming to him. She makes him his favorite food; pork curry, soft-boiled egg on top, and his eyes water as he holds his spoon close to his mouth. They eat in silence, neither daring to acknowledge, to accept the reality brought upon them. The second Miwa opens her mouth to speak, Tobio stands quickly, leaving her to sit at the table alone.

His father comes home two days later, and the Kageyama family shares a hug that lasts too long, but feels too short to Tobio. His father rubs their heads, tells them everything is going to be okay, and Tobio wishes to believe it with anything he has left.

The funeral is today, Tobio tells himself as he puts on a black suit. His fingers fiddle with the buttons for a few seconds before he realizes how much his hands are shaking, so he just sighs and sits on his bed, staring at his feet. Miwa barges in, sees him in such a depressing state, and takes it upon herself to fix him up.

“It’s going to be okay, Tobio.” She whispers as he smoothes out any wrinkles in his clothing ( _just like mom used to do_ ). “We’re going to be okay.”

The funeral goes as many funerals do. When given the chance, Tobio stands in front of his mother’s smiling picture, in front of the flowers, in front of the casket. He stares, face blank, just like he did for his grandpa. After a few minutes (maybe seconds, he doesn’t know), Miwa taps his shoulder, standing beside him for a few moments as she closes her eyes and mumbles something Tobio can’t decipher.

The suit is stuffy and uncomfortable, the shoes seeming too tight, as Tobio throws himself out of them and back into a comfortable blue hoodie. The second he’s changed, he throws himself out of the house, ignoring anything anyone else says, jogging and running wherever he can go. Through twisted alleyways, run-down roads, stone pathways leading to random places. He runs and runs until he can’t feel his legs, until he’s ready to pass out ( _maybe even die_ ), and then he drags himself back to his house and refuses to eat. He takes out a volleyball and tosses it to himself, adjusting to the feeling he hasn’t felt in embarrassingly long.

He’s easily angered, snapping at anyone who crosses paths with him. He wants to scream, he wants to cry, he wants to die, he wants to _see his mom again_. It takes two weeks for him to begin to eat without Miwa begging him to, for him to stop going on runs that hurt his body more than they help him. His grades suffer, not like they were any good in the first place, and Tobio can’t bring himself to explain the reason why.

It takes a month and a week for him to finally have a stronger grip on reality, for him to pull himself out of the hell he’s been enduring. It hurts (of course it does, he’d be more insane if it _didn’t_ ), but Tobio forces himself to grow stronger, for the one stronger person who’ll appear in front of him.

\--

beginning (n.)

1\. the point in time or space at which something starts.

2\. bright hair, bright smiles; nervous laughter.

3\. room 208.

\--

Tobio thinks it’s a sick thing to be back here.

It’s Miwa who suggests it and his father who encourages it; they’re dead set on him interning at a hospital, a _hospital_ , of all places that he could possibly be. He recognizes the pale green chairs, the magazines, everything he hates the most, because it’s the _same hospital_. Sure, he’s older; he’s in his second year now, at least, but he feels just as scared as he did at 13, stepping into the room and seeing his mom lying in the hospital bed with a tube up her nose.

To put it frankly, Tobio doesn’t care about any of this. Other than the horrible feelings of death and illness creeping up his spine, he doesn’t care about interning at hospitals (or...anywhere, really) in the first place. He states his name to the Front Desk Lady (the same one too), ignores the pitiful glance she gives him, and nods as she directs him to a different desk, across the damn hospital. He walks down the hallways, swerving out of the way of different doctors coming in various directions with equipment and gear he doesn’t know the names of.

Subconsciously, his eyes scan the room numbers, and he stops in front of room 208, peeking through the small window to see _someone_ inside.

He’s filled with an emotion vaguely similar to rage; the lack of his mother, this new entity meant to fill her space. It’s as if he’s reliving the month and a half after her death, the worst time of his life. Tobio looks around quickly to confirm no one is watching him too closely (and why would they; he’s just a stupid 16-year old kid), before abruptly pushing into the room, glare scarily present on his face as he turns to the hospital bed.

There is definitely someone laying in said hospital bed.

“Can I help you?” The boy asks, tilting his head to the side, and Tobio stills suddenly. The most noticeable thing about this boy is his orange hair; it’s bright and vibrant and blinding. Next is his brown eyes, wide and rightfully confused. After that, is, well…

“You’re young.” Tobio says, straightforward and simple. _Especially for being in a hospital_ , he tells himself. He chooses to ignore the fact he has so rudely barged into this strangers’ hospital room because of his dead mother.

“Hey! I’m not _that_ young.” The boy sticks his tongue out, and Tobio flinches because _okay_ , _he has some attitude_. “I’m actually 17, excuse you.”

“You’re older than me?” Tobio blinks for a bit. “You don’t look like it.”

“I- shut up.” The kid just glares. “I know, I’m short, a midget, whatever. I’ve heard it all before. What’re you doing here?”

“Uh-” Tobio looks around, out the window, at those cursed green leaves with the sun barely passing through them.

“Do I have to call the nurses? Are you crazy or something?” The boy seems to be having at least a little bit of fun due to the whole situation. “They told me if a sicko breaks in I have to call the nurses-” “No! No, no, no, don’t. I’m not crazy. I think.” Tobio’s hands shake. “I- uh, shit this is awkward-”

“You’re just now realizing this.”

“Well- to put it simply,” He starts, cringing as he realizes he’s telling this all to a complete stranger. “I’m, uh, taking an internship here. Well, not really. I was kinda forced to be here. And the thing is that, uh…” Tobio looks around. “My...mother died here? In room 208. So I just...I don’t know, I wanted to visit, and- God, I’m sorry, I should really be going.” He takes a step towards the door, reminding himself that, right, he has to visit that desk to get an assignment of what he should be doing here, when-

“I’m Shoyo. Hin- Hinata Shoyo.” He ( _his name is Hinata_ ) says suddenly, making Tobio turn back, eyes wide. “It’s nice to meet you.” Hinata greets, extending his hand.

“Uh...Tobio. Kageyama. Tobio Kageyama.” Tobio exhales, looking the boy over once again.

“It’s okay, I don’t have anything contagious or whatever.” Hinata laughs. “I mean, I have _something_ , that’s obviously why I’m here, but nothing you can catch. Ha!”

For a second, Tobio wishes to ask what Hinata has, seeing as he seems so lighthearted about the whole situation, but he stops himself because it seems incredibly insensitive. Instead, he extends his own hand, and the two of them shake hands for a bit in silence before drawing away. “Nice to meet you.” Tobio nods.

“It’s boring here.” Hinata looks out the window. “The most exciting thing that happens here is the nurses coming in to check on me or whatever.”

Tobio sits on the stool ( _the same stool, god, do they not replace anything around here?_ ) next to Hinata. “Doesn’t your family visit you?”

He receives a sad shake of the head from Hinata. “No, no. I mean, I have family of course. I have a little sister named Natsu, actually! My mom just, I don’t know, doesn’t want to visit me because I guess she really thinks it’s contagious. Even though it isn’t. Plus I guess it would be really hard on Natsu to see her big brother like this-” Hinata’s eyes widen and he turns to Tobio. “Ah, shit, sorry. You can tell I haven’t really talked to someone in a while.”

Tobio awkwardly nods again, nonverbal. “I don’t mind.” He admits. “I don’t talk much anyway. Go ahead, rant about whatever.”

Hinata’s eyes practically sparkle as he sits up a little straighter in his hospital bed. “O-oh! Okay! So before I had to come here, there was this really good store that sold meatbuns, and I really love meatbuns, so that place was basically my _favorite_ place. Natsu would always complain that we had to go there too often though. But it was amazing. I wish I could have some of those here.”

“Which store is it?” Tobio asks, curiously.

“Ah, I think...Sakanoshita? Yeah, that’s it.”

“Oh, my school is nearby there.” Tobio kicks the ground. “Karasuno.”

“Lucky!” Hinata’s nose scrunches up. “I didn’t get to start my second year of high school because I got admitted here, but I went to Seijoh for my first. I tried to play on the volleyball team, but considering I’m so short, they didn’t really care about me, so I stopped. And well, y'know.” He gestures to the hospital bed. “This happened.”

Tobio bites his tongue as he fights the urge to ask about Hinata’s disease _again_. He forces a smile. “Ah. Got it. You like volleyball?”

“Oh! Yeah, I do!” Hinata grins. “I wanted to become the wing spiker, or the ace! I actually did see someone really short play, although I don’t remember much about him, but...it inspired me, I guess. Although I didn’t have a formal setter when I played once in middle school…” He pouts a bit before turning, again, to Tobio. “You play?”

“Used to.” Tobio shrugged. “I mean, my grandpa introduced it to me and my sister-”

“You have a sister?”

“-Older. Her name is Miwa. Anyway.” Tobio inhales. “Yeah, I played a bit in elementary and middle school. I was mainly the setter. And then my grandpa died in my second year of middle school, and then my mom died in high school…” he trails off. “...I stopped playing.” He expects the atmosphere to change, the mood to shift, but apparently the bright sunshine boy has dealt with this stuff before, or at least something similar to it.

“I bet you were really good, though!” Hinata reassures. “I always had my friend on the soccer team toss to me back in middle school. I could jump _really_ high. Like flying.”

“Flying.” Tobio stifles a laugh.

“Don’t laugh, it’s true!” Hinata raises his arms and begins to gesture wildly. “I would jump like _fwoom_ and hit the ball like _bam_ and it feels like _gwaah_!” He ends with both his arms in the air, proud of himself, before lowering them back into his lap. “Yeah, it was really something.”

“I wanna see you jump now.” Tobio laughs into his hand.

“I wish.” Hinata admits. “I wanna jump too but I’m stuck in this stupid _hospital_!” He groans. “I used to love running around outside but now I can’t do that at all!”

“I feel like at least a little sunshine should be allowed.” Tobio says, perplexed. “They don’t let you move around?”

“Right! But, uh, I guess not me, haha.” Hinata shrugs. “Whatever. I mean, when I need to piss I go to the bathroom and wander around the halls. But other than that, no. Sometimes they give me manga volumes. Also a computer to watch movies and anime. I have a phone too. Also tutoring, because I still have to learn I guess. It’s really not too bad, except for the fact I’m sick and I can’t go outside.”

“Ah. Okay.” Tobio looks out the window leading back to the hallway as silence (for the first time) overtakes them both. “I think I should get going.” He stands, pushing the stool a little closer to the bed.

“Oh! Right! You have an internship thing, right. Even though you don’t want to be here.” Hinata giggles. “Well, I hope I made the hospital a little less horrible for you. I’m sorry for your loss.” Tobio opens the door, looking over his shoulder. “Yeah, I guess you did. And thank you.”

“Visit again, maybe?” Hinata asks, just as Tobio is about to be completely out of the room. “Yeah.”

\--

friendship (n.)

1\. a state of mutual trust and support between allied nations.

2\. familiarity, manga volumes, phone numbers.

3\. ignoring the issue at hand.

\--

“You’re back!” Hinata gasps as Tobio closes the door behind him, effectively shutting out the normal chatter of the hospital. “You! Uh- shit, what was it- Kageyama!”

“Glad you remembered.” Tobio sighs, sitting next to the bed again.

“Still here on an internship?”

“That’s what I’m telling my dad, yes. But, ah, no. Just visiting.” Tobio smiles to no one.

“Aw, you missed me that much? I’m flattered.” Hinata hums in approval. “It’s been, what, two days?”

“Three.”

“Three? Well, my point stands.” Hinata laughs. “You’ve officially visited more than anyone else I know. Congratulations!”

“My dad forced me back here, so I thought I may as well.” Tobio looks around the room. Nothing’s really changed; no new tubes, no new machines. It calms something in his heart, knowing Hinata’s condition is still stable (good or bad), regardless of if he actually knows what the illness is.

“Well, how’ve you been?” Hinata whistles. “It’s after school hours, right? Are you popular at school? Do you get good grades? Do you have friends? Ooh, do you have a girlfriend?”

Tobio’s eyes narrowed. “That’s a lot of questions. Uh, I could be better, yes, no, no, no, no.” He thinks. “Well...yeah, no to all four of those last ones.”

“That’s pathetic.” Hinata states, making Tobio glare at him, making the orange-haired boy laugh nervously. “What? I’m right! At least _I_ had friends when I still went to school!”

“I don’t talk to that many people. It’s expected.” Tobio reaches into his bag and takes out a milk carton, poking the straw in and taking a sip. “I don’t really care anyways.”

“So you just bring milk anywhere?” Hinata gestures to the milk carton, smiling.

“Gotta make them bones strong.” Tobio supplies as he drinks some more.

“I haven’t had milk since I got admitted here.” Hinata pouts, resting his head on a pillow.

“Really? They don’t let you have it?”

“Nope!” Hinata groans. “No meatbuns either- well, you know my whole obsession with meatbuns. I guess I’ve just been having fruits and vegetables, water, occasionally noodles...that whole deal. It’s not bad, per say, but...eh.”

“Okay.” Tobio looks to the other side of Hinata’s hospital bed, focusing on a bright yellow book. “What’s that?”

“Oh, this?” Hinata picks it up, laughing to himself. “Uh, one of the manga volumes the nurses gave me. It’s called _Assassination Classroom_. This is volume 1.”

“ _Assassination Classroom_?”

“It’s actually really interesting- it’s about a class of students who basically have to kill their teacher before the end of the school year, or the teacher will blow the world up.”

“What makes it so hard to kill him?” Tobio stares at the cover, at the weird creepy smile with dot eyes and white teeth.

“He’s, like, an alien or something.” Hinata opens the book briefly. “I’m only on volume 5, so I don’t know much, but I do know he’s like, super fast. Faster than bullets. They have to make special bullets and knives that kill only him too...it’s a lot. My favorite is Nagisa though.” He smiles softly. “Yeah, he’s cool.”

“You’re on volume 5, you said?”

“What? Oh, yeah.”

“Can I…” Tobio gestures to the book in Hinata’s hand. “Can I read it? I’ll bring it back. Next time I visit.”

“O-oh.” Hinata holds the book in his hands harshly. “You have to promise to come back though.”

“I...I promise.”

“No, like...” Hinata holds up his left pinkie, smiling. “Repeat after me: ‘I, K-Kageyama Tobio, will come back to the hospital and give Hinata his book back’.”

Tobio sighs. “I, Kageyama Tobio, will come back to the hospital and give Hinata his book back.”

“Now shake my pinky. So it’s a pinky-promise.”

“Are we in kindergarten or somethi-”

“Shake the damn finger, Kageyama.” Hinata glares as Tobio reluctantly raises his pinky. The two of them shake for a bit, and Hinata gladly tosses the book onto Tobio’s lap, grinning. “Alright! Enjoy that.”

Tobio sticks the book into his bag, looking back at Hinata. “You reading any other manga?”

“Well…” Hinata laughs as he takes out two more volumes from the drawer next to him. “Two. One is called _Orange_ , I dunno if you’ve heard of it. But basically it’s a lot of time travel letter stuff and they have to save their friend from killing himself. And they want to live their life without regrets. It’s good so far.”

“Ah.”

“The other, which I actually just finished, is called _Your Lie in April_.” Hinata holds this one up proudly. “It’s actually about this, like, really talented pianist. He’s a prodigy, but he gave up the piano. And he meets this girl who plays the violin and she’s kinda mean at first but she’s really bold and reckless. So they, like, play at a competition together. Then she collapses after their performance and it’s revealed she has some sort of terminal illness, cancer or something.” He smiles sadly at the cover.

“And then…?” Tobio prods, asking for more.

“Well, they just keep playing and we’re introduced to more characters, but by the end the girl dies while the pianist prodigy is playing some big piece.” Hinata sighs. “And she writes him this big letter about how, when she found out she was sick, she wanted to live a carefree life without any regrets. It made me cry when I read it. As embarrassing as that may sound.”

“Oh.” Tobio looks at the cover too, staring at it. “Uh...can I have that one, too?”

“I don’t see the point if I spoiled the ending.” Hinata raises an eyebrow.

“Well- whatever,” Tobio shrugs. “It sounds cool. And I bet you left stuff out. So.”

“Fair point.” Hinata hands the book to Tobio, who puts it in his bag, alongside _Assassination Classroom_. “Enjoy it.”

“Yeah, yeah, I will.”

“You have a phone, don’t you?” Hinata asks, two days later, as Tobio reads the third volume of _Assassination Classroom_ (his favorite character is Karma) on the chair.

“What?” Tobio looks up. “Oh. Yeah, I do.”

“Well, so do I.” Hinata fishes the phone out of the side drawer, holding it proudly. “What’s your number?”

A feeling of dread crawls up Tobio’s spine, making him hold his book still. He forces himself to breathe as he relives sudden memories of funerals and crying and running until he passes out, memories of hospitals and mothers and things he grew too close to for them to only be taken away.

“I don’t really...text people.” Tobio forces out.

“Well, it’ll still be nice to have your number!” Hinata crows, holding his phone in front of Tobio’s face. “C’mon! It’ll be easier to communicate too; I can just call you or whatever and vice versa!”

“Oh.” Tobio swallows and puts the book down as he takes the phone, fingers only slightly trembling as he enters his number and gives it back to Hinata. “There.”

“Sweet!” Hinata laughs as he enters in the contact name, eyes narrowed in concentration. “Ka...ge...yama…” Once he’s done, he puts the phone to the side, attention back to being on Tobio. “You like it so far?” “Yeah.” Tobio shrugs, turning the page.

“And what about _Your Lie in April_?”

“It’s good so far. Kinda feels more...uninteresting when I know the ending though.” Tobio sucks in a breath as he turns the page again.

“I told you so!” Hinata taps his fingers against his legs. “Y’know, they’re making animes of both _Assassination Classroom_ and _Your Lie in April_. We should check them out when they come out. On my computer.”

“Huh. We should.” Tobio looks up to see Hinata giving him a massive smile, and he smiles back as he closes the book and looks out the window to see the sun setting. “Well, I should get going.”

“Bye, Bakegeyama!” Hinata yells as the door shuts, and Tobio laughs to no one as he steps out of the hospital.

\--

conversation (n.)

1\. a talk, especially an informal one, between two or more people, in which news and ideas are exchanged.

2\. ranting sessions, although no one really minds.

3\. late nights when they can’t sleep.

4\. from sister to brother.

\--

“And then Natsu was just scared of all the fish anyway, so she just clung to my side the whole time we were there!” Hinata narrates. “It was really fun though, I really liked going there. I wish I could, y’know, go again…”

“Mhm.” Tobio mumbles, half-asleep, head resting on his pillow.

“Ah! I’m sorry, I ended up talking for too long!” Hinata panics over the phone. “Sorry, Kageyama! You should have stopped me!”

“Mmm...didn’t wanna.” Tobio admits, forcing his eyes open a bit to look at his glowing screen. “Your stories are nice. Your voice is nice.”

“Wh- actually?”

“Yeah.” Tobio nods, even though Hinata can’t see him. “Keep talking.”

“You serious?”

“Mhmm. I might fall asleep though.” Tobio warns. “Just...keep going.”

“Hmm, okay.” Hinata thinks for a few seconds before gasping. “Oh! Right! So, once, my friend, Izumi, had this really big soccer tournament thing…”

“You’re not taking an internship, right?” Miwa asks him, once their dad is long gone on another business trip.

“What?” Tobio asks, heart rate rising. “What do you mean?”

“At the hospital. You’re going, but it’s not an internship. You’re visiting someone.”

Tobio swallows some water and looks to the side. “Well…”

“I’m not gonna _snitch_ , Tobio.” Miwa smiles. “I’m glad you have a friend. What’s their name?”

“Huh?” Tobio laughs nervously. “Woah, woah, I’m not telling you that.”

“It’s the same person you talk to on the phone, right?” Miwa laughs at Tobio’s expression. “Ah, so I’m right!”

“Do you stalk me or something?” Tobio grabs a napkin to try to hide his blushing face. “Whatever. His name is Hinata.”

“Hm.”

“He’s pretty nice. He likes to call me ‘Bakegeyama’ though.” Tobio sticks his tongue out. “He reads a lot of manga. He gave me _Assassination Classroom_ and _Your Lie in April_. And he has a little sister. So yeah.”

“Nice, nice.” Miwa’s expression changes quickly, from one of lighthearted banter to something more...strangely serious, and Tobio’s stomach drops. “Tobio, he’s in the hospital for a reason, right?”

“Y-yeah, but he’s not contagious or anything.”

“That’s not- Tobio.” Miwa stares at the table. “He’s sick, isn’t he?”

“Well...yeah.”

“And you know nothing about whatever illness he has. If it’s curable or not. What it is.”

“Yes…?”

“I don’t know what I’m trying to say here, I-” Miwa runs a hand through her hair. “I just- especially after mom dying and all...if there’s a possibility of this ‘Hinata’ dying, I don’t want you to- shit- get too...attached?” She looks at Tobio. “Does that make sense?”

Tobio’s throat closes up as he stares back down at the table. “Y-yeah.” He squeaks out. Because he knows; he knows how badly this could go. He doesn’t know jack shit about Hinata’s illness, what he has, nothing. Hell, he could _die_ one day, with no prior warning, and Tobio- he stops that train of thought and inhales sharply. “Yeah, you make sense. Thanks.” He stands and walks to his room.

That night, Hinata calls him, the bittersweet ringtone echoing throughout his room. Tobio looks up from _Assassination Classroom_ , volume 4, at the display. He waits for the screen to go black before continuing to read.

\--

revelation (n.)

1\. a surprising and previously unknown fact, especially one that is made known in a dramatic way.

2\. something is different.

3\. he comes clean.

\--

Tobio holds the bag of meatbuns in his arms as he walks down the hallway to room 208, humming some random song to himself. The hallways are less populated than usual, less frantic yelling and moving of equipment, which comforts Tobio at least a little bit as he opens the door to room 208.

Hinata waves at him, but he’s not looking at Hinata.

No, no, Tobio is looking at the wheelchair positioned beside Hinata’s bed.

“Hey Kageyama!” Hinata smiles, before following Tobio’s line of vision to the wheelchair, to the new piece of equipment. “Oh, that, I…”

“Hinata…” Tobio clutches the bag of meatbuns in his right hand. “Why...why do you…”

“Why do I...need...that?” Hinata laughs, although it’s a lot more pained than usual. “It’s nothing, really, I’m getting physical therapy soon, I-”

“A wheelchair isn’t nothing!” Tobio grits his teeth and exhales. “Sorry, I...sorry.”

“It isn’t.” Hinata admits, as Tobio sits down on the same old stool. “It just... _happened_ , Kageyama, I don’t- I’m sorry, I just- shit, fuck, goddamnit-” He stops talking, in favor of just staring at empty space, at the wall in front of him.

Tobio sucks in a breath. “Hinata, I...why are you in the hospital?”

Tobio wants to actually cry as he looks it up that night, clicking the first link he sees.

 _Friedreich's ataxia_.

He can still remember how scared Hinata looked as he said it, the words so, so familiar to him.

_Friedreich's ataxia (FRDA or FA) is an autosomal recessive genetic disease that causes difficulty walking, a loss of sensation in the arms and legs and impaired speech that worsens over time._

_Many develop hypertrophic cardiomyopathy and will require a mobility aid such as a cane, walker or wheelchair in their teens. As the disease progresses, people lose their sight and hearing._

_People with earlier onset disease tend to manifest more severe symptoms and die younger._

Tobio doesn’t think he can breathe at this point, tears blooming in his eyes, hand frantically trying to wipe it away as he continues to read; read about the illness, read about how there’s no cure, read about how Hinata Shoyo is going to _die._

His eyes travel to _Your Lie in April_ , volume 2, head thinking about Hinata as he described it; a girl with a terminal illness, trying to live life to the fullest before she died. It feels like some sick joke.

“Hinata had to know about this.” Tobio whispers to himself, exiting out of the tabs (because if he reads anymore, he feels like he’s going to puke). “He had to. He had to have looked it up and read all of this. He knew about…” He stops talking in favor of just sitting on his bed, mind fuzzy, still trying to comprehend the situation. No matter how long he sits there, he still can’t process it, so he stops and gets up to make his favorite food once again, trying to ignore the pitiful glance Miwa gives him.

“How long do you have?” Tobio asks, the next day. Hinata takes a bite out of his meatbun (because, of course, Tobio brought more on his way home from school) and swallows.

“Harsh wording, much?” Hinata tries to laugh, but looks down. “Honestly? I don’t know. Depends on how much worse things get. How fast my muscles weaken, how fast my speech...f-fucks up...how fast I lose my vision...fuck.” Hinata just stays silent for a bit, Tobio letting him breathe it out, because Tobio legitimately cannot imagine the pain Hinata must be going through. “I have no fucking _clue_ how much time I have left.”

Tobio just nods, unsure of what to say, and he drinks some milk. “I-I’m sorry.”

“It’s- I mean, it’s not okay, obviously. But...don’t feel bad. I mean, you shouldn't feel bad because it’s not your fault or around. I just-” Hinata looks to the side. “I don’t get why it had to be _me_ , yknow? Like, of course I don’t wish it on anyone else in the world, but why’d it have to be _me_ , the kid who loves running and being outside, who got this stupid disease? It just- I don’t get it.”

“Life sucks like that.” Tobio supplies, because that’s all he can say, and Hinata laughs to the air.

“Yeah.” He breathes. “Yeah, it really does.” He reaches into his drawer and takes out a book, handing it to Tobio, “ _Assassination Classroom_. Volume 6. For you.”

“Thanks.” Tobio puts it in his bag.

“It’s still an ongoing manga.” Hinata says. “And, y’know, the way things are going right now, I might not...get to see how it ends. Which sucks. Because I really like it.”

“Oh.”

“God, that’s so fucking weird to think about.” Hinata chuckles. “I might die before _Assassination Classroom_ is finished. Me. Dead.”

“I’m sorry.” Tobio fiddles with his fingers, avoiding eye contact. “I’ll finish it. When it comes out. I’ll finish the anime too. And _Your Lie in April_.”

“That’s a hell of a promise, Kageyama.” Hinata just smiles, closing his eyes. “You better do it though. Or I’ll haunt you from heaven or whatever.”

“Can you actually do that?”

“I’ll find out!” Hinata bursts into giggles, and, despite the concerning subject matter, Tobio finds it in himself to start laughing too.

\--

support (n.)

1\. approval, encouragement, or comfort.

2\. an attempt, an effort, and the work to do so.

3\. maybe he isn’t in this alone.

\--

“Kageyama.” Hinata speaks up, making Tobio look up from _Assassination Classroom,_ volume 8. “I needa pee.”

“Do I need to call a nurse for that?” Tobio looks around nervously.

“No, no, don’t.” Hinata sits up, wincing a bit. “I’ll walk. It’s a short distance.”

Tobio stares at him. “You have a wheelchair for a reason. I’ll call a nurse or something, I swear-”

“Don’t, goddamnit!” Hinata shrieks, making Tobio flinch backwards in shock. “-I mean, uh, please don’t. I can walk. It’s just across the hall. Please. I need to prove it to myself as well. That I can. Do it.”

“But...walking...”

“Y-yeah. But I know where it is.” Hinata moves a leg, and he cringes in what Tobio assumes to be pain. “Fuck- no, no, it’s fine.” He slowly moves both his legs so they dangle over the edge of the bed, and he looks up at Tobio. “Just...watch me?”

Tobio nods. “Yeah.”

Hinata inhales as he uses his arms to slowly bring him off the bed, resting one foot on the cold ground, then the other. “Okay. Now I’m gonna stand.”

“Got it.”

Slowly, Hinata lifts himself off of the bed, onto his feet, and Tobio almost feels relieved, before HInata swerves suddenly forward and collapses, barely making it into Tobio’s arms before he hits the ground. Tobio sweats as he tries to help Hinata stand back upright.

“Fuck.” Hinata laughs, light and breathy as he struggles in Tobio’s arms. “That didn’t go as well as I thought it would. Thank you for catching me.” “No problem. You wanna call a nurse no-”

“Not yet!” Hinata begs, now on two feet, upright, with Tobio supporting him. “I didn’t, shit, know just how weak my legs were, that’s all. I can do this. Let go.”

“But you’ll just-”

“Let go, Kageyama. Please.” Hinata begs, again, and Tobio carefully removes his hands to let Hinata stumble, exhaling.

Hinata inhales, a big breath, and takes a step forward. And Tobio is there to catch him as he collapses again.

“Hinata, I think we should-”

“Fuck!” Hinata screams, hitting a shaky fist against the cold tile floor. “Fuck! God-fucking-damnit!” He chokes out, tears coming to his eyes. “I really can’t, Kageyama. I really can’t walk, can I?”

“N-no, I guess not- listen, Hinata, it’s gonna be okay, we’ll be fi-”

“I can’t fucking _walk_ , Kageyama!” Hinata shrieks again. “I can’t even stand! And then my arm muscles are gonna weaken and then I won’t be able to do jack _shit_!” Hinata makes no move to wipe the tears from his eyes. “And then I’ll lose my vision and hearing and I won’t even be able to _talk_ and then I’ll _die_ , Kageyama. I’ll die without a proper goodbye to my sister or my mom because my mom is fucking _scared_ of me passing this along and-”

“Hinata.” Tobio sighs, running a hand through Hinata’s hair, forcing himself to breathe. “Breathe. Inhale. Exhale.”

“It’s so fucking _unfair,_ Kageyama.” Hinata sobs. “Why me? _Why’d it have to be me_?”

“I don’t know. Just. Breathe it out.” Tobio coos, massaging Hinata’s head and closing his eyes. “We’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay. We’ll be- we’ll be fine. Let it out.”

“I won’t even be able to see the end of my favorite fucking manga, or the anime of it-” Hinata hugs Tobio’s arm. “I won’t be able to buy meatbuns from that store again or play volleyball…”

They lay for 5 minutes, maybe 10, maybe 15- Tobio doesn’t know until nurses knock on the door to announce visiting hours are over, until they open the door to see Hinata cradled in Tobio’s lap on the floor, crying, Tobio rubbing his head quietly.

(Miwa doesn’t ask him anything when he arrives back home, tears falling down his face, eyes tired, asking for pork curry with a soft-boiled egg on top)

\--

ignore (v.)

1\. refuse to take notice of or acknowledge; disregard intentionally.

2\. they’d rather talk about anything else.

\--

"Kageyamaa!" Hinata sing-songs as Tobio walks into the hospital room, grinning madly. "Thought I scared you away! It's been, what, a week?"

"Five days." Tobio supplies half-heartedly as he takes out _Assassination Classroom_ , volume 9, and places it on Hinata's lap.

"Only?" Hinata laughs. "Wow, it feels like so much longer!"

Tobio just nods as he makes himself comfortable on the chair, fidgeting with his fingers and bouncing his leg up and down. He occupies himself by looking out the window, at the buildings in the distance and the leaves coating the scenery. "Yup."

A silence fills the room, and Tobio opens his mouth because he _knows_ they have to address some of the bigger issues here-

"Your birthday is coming up, right?"

Tobio tenses. "Huh?"

"Your birthday. December 22." Hinata gestures. "It's December 14th."

"Oh. Right." Tobio shrugs. "Yeah."

"You doin' anything special?"

"Not in particular."

"That's no fun!" Hinata sticks his tongue out. "Do you never celebrate your birthday or something?"

"I mean, no, I get _cake_ and stuff, but other than that-"

"Bullshit!" Hinata yells, making Tobio joly upright in his seat because, _okay, that was loud_. "That simply won't do, Bakageyama!"

"What?"

"When December 22 arrives, _we_ -" Hinata points a finger at Kageyama, and then himself. "Are going to make your birthday the _best_ birthday _ever_."

Tobio raises an eyebrow. "Really."

"Of course!" Hinata pouts. "I mean, not like you'd have much to compare it to, you boring-life dumbass-"

"How do you expect to help me celebrate when-" Tobio stops and instead just waves a hand in the general direction of the wheelchair. "-y'know."

"I can use a wheelchair, Kageyama."

"You say that like the nurses would let you out." Tobio narrows his eyes.

"If I beg them just enough, they might! I'll say it's for a friend, obviously. Plus, my illness isn’t getting any worse."

_Yeah, but it was never fucking great to begin with._

Tobio just runs a hand through his hair and exhales. "...fine."

"Plus, it might be the last birthday of yours I'm alive for." Hinata shrugs. "Even if I really just met you. I want to make it fun. I want to, ah…"

"Live a life without regrets?"

Hinata's eyes widen as he looks towards Tobio. A smile blooms on his face. "Yeah. Live a life without regrets."

"Tell me about when you played volleyball!" Hinata whispers excitedly. "You never do!"

"What's there to know, dumbass?" Tobio bites back. "I played volleyball. That's all."

"But who were your teammates? Were you good?"

Tobio sighs and stares at the ceiling, checking to see if his phone has battery (it does) and seeing Hinata's contact picture on screen. "Fine, fine."

"Yay!"

"Uh, I started playing volleyball in 2nd grade. Because my grandpa encouraged both my sister and I to play. I really, _really_ enjoyed it." Tobio thinks for a second. "but then my sister quit volleyball. Something about her hair length or whatever, I don't know."

"That seems like a stupid reason."

"To me? Yeah, sure, but it wasn't my choice to make, y'know?" Tobio clicks his tongue. "So then I went to Kitagawa First for middle school. I met this really talented senpai. Oikawa."

"Tooru?" Hinata asks quickly.

"Uh...yeah?"

"That's the guy at Seijoh!" Hinata laughs. "Yeah, when I went there and showed up at the club, he was kinda the only one who actually gave a shit about me being there. Despite my height."

"Huh." Tobio's nose scrunches up as he considers it. "I guess that sounds like him."

"Anyway, continue."

"Right, right. So after a while, I chose playing the setter position."

"-Why, though?" Hinata interrupts. "Spikers are way cooler than boring old setters!"

"The fuck did you just say?" Tobio glares, even though he's on the phone with Hinata. "The setter sets up the attacks with the spiker. They get to touch the ball the most...like...a control tower."

"Well, yeah, but spikers jobs are flashier." Hinata says. "It's why I wanted to become a spiker."

"But it's part of that that makes it so cool." Tobio insists. "You don't see it when you watch a game on TV, but if you get a good live seat, you can see just how fast and calculated the setters movements are. The ball just, I don't know, _flies_ across the court, and the setter is able to connect the team although he only touches the ball for a moment. Being a setter is confusing and difficult and exciting and, well, _awesome_."

"I never really thought about it like that." Hinata admits, laughing weakly.

"Uh...yeah. Actually, I did want to be a spiker in the beginning."

"Ah. Makes sense. Keep going about Kitagawa though!"

"Jeez, okay. Uh...I don't know much about my first year. I did have two...friends. Kindaichi and Kunimi. They were two other first years. Other than that, I played, I practiced, stuff like that. Fairly normal. I wasn't really good friends with Oikawa, mainly just Iwaizumi. I think he went to Seijoh too." Tobio hums. "Second year was, well. Second year was when grandpa died, and I guess it affected me a lot. It's when I started to lash out more, and it gave me the n-"

Hinata lets out a loud snore. Tobio tenses and waits for a few seconds before he realizes.

"Hinata, did you...fall asleep?"

He gets a snore in response. Tobio shakes his head, laughing to himself, mumbling a quick _dumbass_ under his breath as he ends the call.

\--

celebration (n.)

1\. the action of marking one's pleasure at an important event or occasion by engaging in enjoyable, typically social, activity.

2\. it’s not a lot, but it’s something.

\--

“Happy birthday, Kageyama!” Hinata screams, as soon as Tobio enters the hospital room. Said taller boy jolts back and looks around the area, mouth falling open in something only described as shock. The room has multiple balloons and decorations around it, and Hinata is sitting in his bed with a party hat and scarf on and the biggest smile on his face.

“You...when did you…”

“Don’t underestimate me!” Hinata cackles, waving his arms around wildly. “I asked the nurses! They’ve seen you around a lot so I assumed they would agree with it!”

“I- where did you even _get_ all this stuff-”

“Stop asking questions! Happy birthday!” Hinata throws a party hat at Tobio, who reluctantly puts it on. “Did you celebrate a bit with your family?”

“I mean, Miwa greeted me before I came here.” Tobio shrugs. “Not too much though.”

Hinata just hums happily and turns to the wheelchair, then to Tobio. “Carry.”

Tobio freezes. “What?”

“Carry me. Into the wheelchair.” Hinata tilts his head to the side. “We’re going out for your birthday!”

“Woah, woah, woah. Wait. You’re not allowed to-”

“The doctor let me. Actually. As long as you’re by my side.” Hinata groans impatiently. “C’mon, Kageyama. We don’t have all day. Carry me into the wheelchair.”

“I- uh-”

“I have your special day all planned out, Kageyama, c’mon.”

“If it’s really okay- fine, fine.” Tobio awkwardly shuffles to Hinata’s side. “Do I...just…”

“Just lift me up and into the chair I go.” Hinata narrows his eyes. “I’m not that heavy, asshole.”

“That’s not what I was thinking! Fucking hell- fine.” Tobio moves the blanket aside, slowly puts one arm under Hinata’s back, the other under his legs, and lifts. Hinata squeaks and instinctively puts his arms around Tobio’s head. They stand like that for a little longer than probably necessary. “You’re light.” Tobio supplies.

“Being in the hospital does that to ya.” Hinata retorts, making Tobio snap back to reality and slowly lower Hinata into the wheelchair, swearing only a little bit under his breath. Once the boy is safely in his chair, Tobio steps back.

"Okay. Now what."

Hinata begins to wheel himself to the door. "Off we go!"

"Where're we going?" Tobio asks as he slows his walking for Hinata to catch up. "Are you tired? I can push you, if you really wa-"

"Nope!" Hinata just continues on his own. "I'm fine! And it's a surprise!"

Tobio rolls his eyes, but keeps walking anyway, Hinata now barely in front of him. "Well, how much longer until we get there?"

"We'll be there soon, stop being impatient!" Hinata laughs. "Like I said; I have the whole day planned out for you. You have a lot of free time when you're stuck in the hospital."

"Oh, right, this is...the first time you've really been outside, right?"

"Yep, all thanks to you." Hinata looks around. "It's not too cold today. Which is good."

"It's expected to snow soon though." Tobio holds onto his bag. "Christmas is coming up. And New Years."

"I know."

"Is…" Tobio inhales. "Is your family…"

"Of course not." Hinata says, matter-of-factly. "They never come, you know this. I think...my mom knows I'm gonna die anyway, so she's just...I don't know, preparing Natsu. For when I do."

"What about your dad?" Tobio tilts his head before realizing that may be the slightest bit insensitive.

"Not in the picture." Hinata stills for a second, but then he's back to wheeling himself forward. "Died of cancer when I was little. Maybe that's why my mom’s so scared? Shit, I don't know." He tries to laugh, but instead favors looking down at the ground.

"Would," Tobio inhales. "Would the doctor be able to let you out for the day? On Christmas and New Years?"

"As long as my condition doesn't suddenly get worse." Hinata pauses. "Or kill me."

Tobio ignores how unsettling that is. "Well, if they do, would you...uh...wanna...this year, dad's on a business trip, so it's just Miwa and I, and she never really cares and it does get pretty lonely s-"

"Kageyama."

"-huh?"

"Are you asking me to spend Christmas with you?"

"I- uh- yes?"

"Like, seriously?"

"Y-yeah. Do you want to go, or-"

"Of course!" Hinata yells happily, grinning madly, making _someone_ probably look over. "I would absolutely _love_ to, oh my god! You're the best, Kageyama!!"

Tobio looks around, face growing red. "Oy, dumbass, quiet down a bit-"

"Kageyama Tobio! Amazing! Incredible!" Hinata whoops. "He's the best! And it's his birthday today!"

"Hinata, oh my _god_ -"

"C'mon!" Hinata suddenly speeds up, arms making his wheelchair go impossibly fast, and Tobio rolls his eyes and laughs only to himself before jogging behind.

Holy shit.

"You...booked us…" Tobio looks around the gym, holding the volleyball in his hands tightly. "...some time in a gym…"

"Told you I had this planned out." Hinata winks and pats the crate of volleyballs beside him. "I called them, what, a few days ago? It was free, don't worry. And it's only for 45 minutes.

Tobio looks at the net in front of him. "Holy hell."

"I mean, you were talking really passionately about volleyball the other night, so- so I thought-"

"Nevermind that, but I...I feel like we're- we're overlooking the whole, uh-" Tobio waves a hand at Hinata in a wheelchair. "-situation."

"Hah?"

"I mean, you wanna spike, don't you?" Tobio tilts his head. "It's your favorite position on the court."

"Oh! No, no, no." Hinata waves a hand. "Not today! Obviously, I do, but…"

"So what? Are we passing it back and forth or something?"

"Nope." Hinata wheels forward and takes the ball from Tobio's hands. "No, today _I'm_ setting it to _you_."

It takes a second for that to sink in.

"I'm spiking?"

"It was the first position you wanted to play, right?" Hinata tosses the ball in his arms a bit. "I practiced a bit too back in middle school. And I read a lot of tutorials on the computer at the hospital. So."

Tobio looks at the net. "Wow."

"So, you wanna get started, or?"

"Of course." Tobio stretches a bit; a weirdly new sensation that he hasn't properly done in a concerning amount of time. It burns in a strangely _good_ way. He doesn't mind the fact Hinata is watching until he finishes his warm-up, turning to the smaller boy, smiling, ready to fly.

"Alright, throw it to me." Hinata throws the ball to Tobio, who catches it.

Tobio exhales and tosses the ball up, perfectly into Hinata's open palms, and runs forward as Hinata sets the ball high into the air, at a perfect height for Tobio to jump.

Tobio soars, feet leaving the ground, feeling the breath leave his lungs as he hits the ball as hard as he can, the impact stinging his palm. It's only a moment in real time, but Tobio relives memories of grandpas and pork curry and Kitagawa First; he relives _volleyball_ in the second it takes to hit one.

He pants as he watches the ball roll to the wall on the other side of the net, and turns to look at Hinata.

Hinata looks _amazed_ , eyes wide and arms barely lowered from setting position. "Holy shit." He whispers. "Holy shit."

"You- good toss." Tobio nods. "Y- yeah, great toss."

"Thank you. Good spike." Hinata smiles and takes another volleyball from the crate. "One more?"

Tobio nods and walks back to where he started, catching the ball Hinata throws him, preparing himself to fly again. Again and again, they practice and practice, adjusting to fit each other in a strangely methodical way.

Tobio tries to ignore the sorrowful look Hinata gives him as he jumps, as if the orange-haired boy is being constantly reminded of the fact he'll never be able to leave the ground.

They step out into the winter afternoon and oh man, it's _cold._

"Whew! Cold!" Hinata shivers, Tobio holding on behind him. "You don't need to push me."

"Your arms are tired." Tobio reasons. "Don't argue with me this time."

"Jeez, _fine_." Hinata sticks his tongue out.

"Okay, where next?"

"Keep going forward!" Hinata sing-songs, and Tobio follows his direction. "So, Kageyama, anything new with you?"

"Not really. Same old same old."

"You live a sad life, y'know that?" Hinata giggles. "You're not even the one stuck in the hospital! Lighten up a bit and have _fun_ , goddamn."

"I am." Tobio mumbles under his breath. "Right now. Having fun."

"I'm glad!" Hinata laughs, and Tobio just looks awkwardly off to the side. "Alright, we're almost there. Keep going straight, straight...here."

"Where- oh." Tobio gapes. "A cake shop."

"What's a birthday without cake, right?" Hinata wheels himself to the door. "Let's go!"

The flavor is chocolate, Tobio's favorite (how Hinata knows that is beyond him), and the frosting isn't sickeningly sweet. Hinata hums to himself as he licks the frosting off of his fork, plunging it back into another piece of cake. Tobio just eats a piece every now and then. They're sitting at a picnic table at a nearby park, and it's strangely calm, devoid of too much background chatter and noises.

"This is good." Tobio says. "Really good."

"Mhmm!" Hinata grins as he stuffs more cake in his mouth. "Delicious!"

"When was the last time you had cake?"

"Probably my birthday." Hinata pretends to look horrified. "Six whole months without cake, Kageyama! How did I _survive_?"

"No clue."

"Are you enjoying your birthday so far?" Hinata asks, changing the subject, wiping his mouth.

"Mhmm." Tobio smiles. "It was fun playing volleyball."

"Yeah, yeah. I was counting on it."

"Any other great big plans you have for today?"

“Well, my part of the surprise is over. Anything _you_ want? I mean, it is your birthday and all…” Hinata looks around the park as Tobio thinks.

“Actually, there, ah, is something.” Tobio finishes the last remaining crumbs of his cake. “Can I lead the way?”

“Of course!” Hinata grins as Tobio takes both their plates and throws it in a nearby trash can. “It’s your birthday after all!” He crows, wheeling himself backwards while Tobio finishes clearing up their table, starting to walk out of the park.

Tobio says nothing as he pushes the door to the shop open, hesitantly stepping inside, Hinata following close behind.

The shorter boy looks around in mystified awe as Tobio just walks up to the counter, nodding at the person (a boy, maybe in his early 20s) behind it.

“Wow! Flowers!” Hinata gasps, turning to Tobio. “Gee, why’d you have to go he-”

“Hi, uh, the usual. White chrysanthemums.” Tobio states clearly to the person at the counter, who nods and goes to grab said flowers.

“It’s your birthday, isn’t it, Tobio?” The person asks, and Tobio tries to ignore Hinata tilting his head in seemingly confusion.

“Yep.” Tobio just fishes money out of his wallet and hands it over the counter, receiving the bouquet of flowers in his right hand. “Thank you.”

“Take it easy.” The person says, and Hinata hesitantly follows Tobio back out of the store.

Once they’re a safe distance away, Hinata pipes up. “Who was that?” “Uh...the person working at the flower shop.”

“Why do they know when your birthday is?”

“I visit often.” Tobio supplies, looking in the distance as he walks a bit faster, Hinata struggling to keep pace.

“For flowers?”

“Yeah.” “Well, where are we going now?” Hinata asks as he follows Tobio’s line of vision across the street, as they wait for the signal to cross.

“It’ll only take a moment.”

“Hi.” Tobio kneels as the wind whistles through his hair, placing his hands on the dead grass, looking at the words in front of him. “Hi, grandpa. Hi, mom.”

Hinata sits behind him, holding the white flowers with shaky hands.

“Uh, it’s...gee, I haven’t visited mom since a month ago, and I haven’t visited grandpa since my birthday last year.” Tobio laughs. “Sorry about that.

“I know it’s kinda stupid to keep talking to you guys. You’re dead. Obviously, I mean, I’m right here. In front of your grave. But, ah, it’s nice. Whenever I invite Miwa she always turns me down, for whatever reason. Dad’s always on business trips anyway so it’s not like I’m gonna be able to ask him. And I don’t think he’d want to visit anyway.” Tobio tilts his head down. “I hope you guys are doing okay, wherever you are. I hope there’s some cool afterlife and you guys are meeting up again and being happy together.”

He turns to look at Hinata, who startles a bit.

“Uh. That’s Hinata.” Tobio turns back around to the gravestones. “I met him recently at the hospital. He’s-” He lowers his voice. “He’s sick. With something I don’t remember the name of. But he’s really nice. He plays volleyball and he likes manga and he likes _me_ and- yeah. Uh. He’s cool.

“I want to convince Miwa to visit you guys too. I know you’d love to see her, haha.” Tobio laughs and slowly stands, turning to Hinata again. “Hinata, can I have the, uh…”

“Oh.” Hinata fumbles to give Tobio the bouquet of flowers. “Got it.”

“Thanks.” Tobio nods as he places a few flowers in front of one grave, then the rest in front of the other. He sits in silence for a few moments before standing up and wiping dirt off of his pants. “Let’s go.”

“Hey, Kageyama, smile!” Hinata lifts the camera and Tobio flinches and moves back, eyes drawing away from the setting sun out the window of the familiar hospital room.

“What the fu- what? Where’d you even get that?”

“I’ve had it for a while! C’mon! Smile!” Hinata grins as he tries to move on the bed to get a better angle. Tobio hesitantly stares at the lens for a few seconds and supplies only a strained smile. They wait as the picture slowly prints out, and Hinata shakes it a few times as the image forms. He stares at it and swallows a laugh.

“You look scary.”

“Hah?” Tobio narrows his eyes.

“Your smile.” Hinata shows the picture. “Terrifying.”

“What? I look _fine_.” Tobio stares in confusion. “That’s how I always smile.”

Hinata shakes his head sadly. “I’ll give actual money to see your family photos.”

“Hmpph.” Tobio checks the time on his phone and stands up abruptly. “Ah, shit, gotta go. Bye, Hinata.”

“Bye, Bakegeyama!!” Shoyo yells, putting the camera down.

“Thanks for a good birthday.” Tobio starts to open the door.

“We’re still on for Christmas, right?” Hinata asks. Tobio stares at the ground. “Yeah.”

“Alright! I’m excited already! Bye!” Hinata waves as Tobio closes the door, putting the camera off to the side, the picture still in his lap.

\--

holiday (n.)

1\. a day of festivity or recreation when no work is done.

2\. cookies, snow, relaxation.

3\. "i’m here".

\--

It’s 6:57 PM on December 24th when Tobio goes to the hospital to get Shoyo. The nurses all wave goodbye as Tobio slowly wheels him out of the hospital. The plan is for a sleepover; something Tobio really isn't completely opposed to, for whatever reason.

Shoyo has a backpack full of clothes and manga, and is singing some American Christmas song as they walk down the street, one a bit familiar to Tobio but not enough to sing along. There's not a lot of people on the sidewalk; most families are in favor of already being home with their families. Tobio sees a little girl run proudly down the sidewalk in front of her parents, and silently wishes his father wasn’t stuck in, what was it, China right now.

" _Have yourself a merry little Christmas_ ~" Shoyo smiles in his wheelchair, face half-buried in his scarf. "Thanks for doing this, Kageyama."

"No problem."

"In America, I know Christmas is some sort of religious thing for people." Shoyo babbles. "Stuff about Jesus and God and whatever. I don't know."

"If it's a religious thing…" Tobio scrunches his nose up. "How come it's so centered around gifts?"

Shoyo laughs. "No clue." He looks around as Tobio pushes him down the street. "Hey, y'know what Christmas Eve is here in Japan?"

"Hm?"

"It's the most, ah," Shoyo hides his face in his scarf. "Romantic day. Like Valentine’s Day.”

"Oh." Tobio stops walking for a second, just a second. "Interesting."

"Yeah, like, most families spend it together, but couples do too. It's not religious at all, haha…"

"That's cool." Tobio forces out.

There's a silence as they keep walking. Shoyo inhales and breathes out another Christmas song, smiling a bit under his scarf. " _Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh-_ "

" _O'er the hills we go,_ " Tobio mumbles under his breath, casting a look to the side as Shoyo turns around in excitement. " _Laughing all the way_."

" _Bells on bobtails ring, making spirits bright._ " Shoyo's voice is high and light and airy and everything Tobio wants in a voice, if that's even possible. Tobio tenses a bit, his face turns red, his heart rate increases- but he doesn't have any time to think about that now.

" _What fun it is to laugh and sing-_ " Tobio's voice strains as both the product of his mediocre singing to begin with and the fact his heart is heating ridiculously fast.

" _-A sleigh-ing song tonight. Oh!"_ Shoyo taps the rhythm on the sides of the chair.

" _Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…_ " Tobio almost trips on air. Shoyo's hair seems brighter, everything about him seems brighte- what the fuck? Is Tobio going insane?

" _Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, hey_!" Shoyo sings proudly, ignoring Tobio's blushing face and the way he's slowly starting to realize something.

He swallows and forces himself to continue. " _Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way_."

" _Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!"_ Shoyo triumphantly pushes his arms into the air. " _Hey!_ " He turns around, excitedly. "That was fun!"

_Oh no._

"Y-yeah." Tobio pulls his scarf up so it covers the lower half of his face. "You're good at singing."

"Thank you! You, ah…" Shoyo giggles. "It wouldn't kill ya to sing a bit louder, y'know. You're good."

"Hm." Tobio turns the corner onto a quieter street. “We’re almost there.”

"Is your sister home?"

"Yeah. She said she'd make pork curry." Tobio pauses. "If that's okay."

"Of course!"

"And she'll probably bake cookies or something. Christmas traditions."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Shoto gasps. "Ooh! My mom used to make gingerbread cookies every year. Natsu would eat almost all of them, really. And then we'd watch cartoons on the TV and sing Christmas carols even though our English sucks and-" Shoyo stops. "Sorry."

"I-" Tobio fidgets, his hands gripping the handles of the wheelchair tighter. "Don't be."

"I mean, obviously I'm not doing that with them this year."

"Oh." Tobio looks off to the side. "We could...try to do it together. Today."

"You really mean that, Kageyama?' Shoyo's voice is laced with hope. Tobio smiles just a little bit.

"Of course I do. Dumbass."

"Miwa!" Tobio yells as he and Shoyo make their way inside. “I’m here with S- Hinata!"

"One second!" Miwa announces back. There's the clattering of pots and pans before she walks to the door, wiping her hands off on her apron.

"Hello." Shoyo bows in his chair. "Thank you for having me."

"My pleasure." Miwa smiles sweetly. "Tobio's said a lot about you."

"Shut up, Miwa." Tobio grits his teeth as Shoyo laughs, hugging his backpack close to his chest.

"He's said a lot about you, too!" Shoyo nods happily. "Especially from when you two were really little."

"Oh, really." Miwa raises an eyebrow. "Has he told you the story about ho-"

"Let's- ah- not do this now?" Tobio suggests, slipping off his shoes. "Maybe we should uh...actually...eat."

"Avoiding the subject." Miwa shakes her head. "Fine, fine. Pork curry is almost done. Cookies are almost ready for the oven."

"Ah, I should get a futon." Tobio quickly rushes to a nearby closet. "Hinata, you can sleep in my bed, I'll just use this tonight."

"Wait, why?"

"The bed's more comfortable." Tobio supplies, and Shoyo has to reluctantly agree with that. "You wanna come with me to put your stuff in my room?"

"Oh! Okay." Shoyo wheels himself, following Tobio, casting looks at the house around him. His eyes train on a picture of an old man and the candles around it for a second too long, and he notices Miwa give it a sorrowful look. He follows Tobio to his room after that, refusing to look at anything more.

"Alright." Tobio steps inside and begins to set up.

"Wow, you really don't have a lot in here." Shoyo looks around. There's Tobio's school uniform hanging on one wall, some _Shonen Jump_ issues on the floor, a desk with minimum books and paper, and some weights on the floor. Oh, and a piece of paper beside his bed. "What's this…?"

"Oh, just my old workout routine from when I playe-"

"'Smile'?" Shoyo snickers. "You used to practice your smile every day?"

"Okay, uh, s-shut up." Tobio resorts to just focusing entirely on the futon, even though he's almost done setting it up, as Shoyo laughs.

"That's actually kinda cute."

"You don't have to flatter me." Tobio narrows his eyes. "It was stupid, I know."

Shoyo adjusts his focus to the desk. "Oh! _Your Lie in April_! Do you like it?"

Tobio follows his line of vision. "I, uh, haven't read much of it."

"What? Why not?"

"It…" Tobio sucks in a breath. "It reminds me of you."

Confused, Shoyo tilts his head to the side. "Huh?"

"Y'know, like...the story." Tobio stands up and walks to the desk, taking the book in his hands. "You're like...what's her name- Kaori. Mean and rude but fun and- and sick."

"O-oh."

"And I'm like Kousei. Quiet and nervous and I gave up something I loved and I have a dead mom and I-" Tobio smiles but there's something making it look sad. "And you told me how it ends. With Kaori dying."

Shoyo just fidgets with his hands. "Yeah. I did."

"Fucking _hell_ , Hinata." Tobio laughs harshly, putting the volume down. "God. Christmas Eve and I made it sad." He shakes his head. "Miwa should be done with the food by now. Let's go." He walks out of his room, Shoyo following behind silently.

The table is silent as Tobio eats his food and Shoyo drinks water, Miwa looking nervously between the two of them. Shoyo’s hands are shaking, and Tobio can feel his stomach drop as to what that implies.

“So, Hinata,” Miwa coughs into a napkin. “Where’s your family tonight?”

With no room for hesitation, Shoyo replies quickly. “Oh, mom’s on a business trip, she brought Natsu along and left me at the hospital.”

Tobio opens his mouth to protest, because _hey, that’s not right_ , but Shoyo shoots him a glare that makes him shut up and sit back.

“Ah, I see. Well, Tobio asked me about inviting you over, and I thought since it’s usually pretty lonely here, we may as well. Right, Tobi?”

Tobio’s eyes flick up from where they were so desperately trained on his plate. “Yep.”

“You two went out for his birthday, right? What’d you guys do?” Miwa sips some water and looks at Shoyo first, and then Tobio.

“You didn’t tell her?” Shoyo gasps, eyes lighting up. “Oh jeez! So first off I brought Tobio to the gym at the center of town to play some volleyball-”

“Volleyball?” Miwa raises an eyebrow. “Tobi, you haven’t played that since-”

“-yeah, I know.” Tobio sits stiffly. “He set the ball for me and I spiked.”

“You _did_ always want to be a spiker. Well.”

“-Yeah! And then we went to a cake shop and got chocolate cake. I completely guessed as to which one was his favorite, and apparently I was correct. My favorite is vanilla though.” Shoyo sticks out his tongue, and Tobio assumes he’s back from his former depressive slump as Miwa laughs sweetly.

“It _was_ always a tradition for Mom to buy chocolate cake for our birthdays. Even though _I_ personally preferred strawberry.” Miwa sighs.

“You have horrible taste.” Tobio objects, smirking. “Everyone knows chocolate is superior.”

“No! Vanilla is!” Hinata adds, leaping into the argument.

Tobio scrunches his nose up and glares at Shoyo. “ _Please_ , vanilla has absolutely no flavor at all!”

“Strawberry is _sweet_!” Miwa taps her fingers against the table. “It’s more interesting than boring old chocolate _or_ vanilla!” “No it’s not.” Tobio shakes his head, crossing his arms, pork curry forgotten in the heat of this much more interesting argument. “Mom’s favorite flavor was chocolate.” He bites his lip at the use of _was_.

“Well, grandpa’s favorite flavor was strawberry.” Miwa says suddenly, and Shoyo stills.

Tobio, however, doesn’t seem too fazed. “When did he tell you that?!”

“When it was his birthday, Tobi.” Miwa sticks her tongue out.

“I was _always_ _there_ on his birthday!”

“You weren’t. You went to the gym at Kitagawa to practice, I remember because you practically ran out the door and left grandpa and I to set up. You really wanted to practice with Oikawa.”

“Sh-” Tobio stops. “Kitagawa?”

“...yeah?”

“So it was his last birthday before...he…” Tobio inhales sharply.

Miwa’s face falls. “Oh shit, Tobio, no, hold on-”

“His last birthday before he died and I played volleyball for half of it.” Tobio laughs bitterly. “Holy _shit_.” He doesn't speak any more, doesn't _need_ to.

Shoyo quickly moves to put a hand on Tobio’s shoulder. “Kageyama, there was no way you could have known it was his last- you shouldn’t _blame_ yourself for that stuff-”

Tobio looks up at Shoyo, at his bright orange hair and his skin that has gotten paler and his shaky hands and big brown eyes with a fading light within them. He looks at the wheelchair he’s sitting in, at the bruises on his arms.

“But what about-” _you? What about you? What if I take every moment for granted and miss your last day and I’ll blame myself over and over again and I’ll never ever-_ “-Nevermind. I get it.” Tobio stands slowly, taking his plate and putting it on the sink. “Going to the bathroom.”

He hears Miwa swear under her breath and Shoyo’s heavy sigh as he closes the door behind him, collapsing against the wood and forcing himself not to cry.

“Kageyama?” Heavy knocking against the door. “Are you...still alive?”

Tobio looks up from where he’s been resting his head on his arms for the past 15 minutes. “I wish I wasn’t.” He whispers.

“I feel like you’re saying that to the wrong person.” Shoyo deadpans, and Tobio snaps out of it because _wait, did he just make a joke about dying to the person who’s actually dying, holy shit._

“O-oh, whoops, sorry-”

“C’mon, open up.” Shoyo knocks on the door again. “Your sister is baking the cookies right now. They’ll be ready soon. Open up.”

After exhaling a heavy breath, Tobio stands and opens the door slowly, making no move to wipe the tears on his cheeks. Shoyo wheels himself in (thank god, the bathroom is big enough for that) and simply stares at Tobio as the taller one closes the door.

“What?”

“Are you okay?” Shoyo tilts his head. “I’m really sorry-”

“ _I’m_ sorry.” Tobio insists, staring at his (ugly) reflection in the mirror above the sink. “I flipped out again. Just like I did about _Your Lie in April_. And on Christmas Eve too, jesus fucking christ…”

Shoyo just fidgets with his fingers. “W-well, okay, but you seem like you’re...really struggling, Kageyama, and I-”

“It hurts so fucking much, Hinata.” Tobio announces bitterly. “First grandpa dies and I didn’t even have the decency to spend most of his last birthday with him-”

“-That wasn’t your fault, you couldn’t have known-” “-And then mom dies and I had to be in school when I got the call and by the time I arrived she was already dead so I couldn’t even say _I love you_ to her before she died-”

“Kageyama-”

“-And now you’re sick and no one knows how much time you have left and I know I don’t _want_ to think about how much time you have left but it could all happen again and- fuck fuck fuck _shit,_ I-” Tobio stares at the floor. “-Fuck. I’m so sorry, I ruined it again.”

“Kag-”

“You’re the one dying. Why do _I_ get to be complaining about this stuff- I- you’re the one who’s suffering the most." Tobio's hands are shaking as he forces hotels to breathe in harsh, unbalanced breaths. "You’re the one that should be crying in the bathroom on Christmas Eve. Not me. You’re the one that has a _reason_ to be crying, not me. I-”

“Kageyam-”

“-fuck, am I just weak or something? Is that it- shit shit shit-” Tobio begins to run one shaky hand through his hair. “ _Tobio_!” Shoyo yells, screams, whatever, loudly. It seems to echo off the walls and around the house, making Tobio flinch in surprise. “Tobi- Kageyama, you- you lost...what, 2 family members?”

Tobio nods. “You shouldn’t- shit, how do I put this.” Shoyo thinks for a moment and snaps his fingers. “Oh. You shouldn’t think just because _I’m_ the one dying or whatever that _you_ aren’t allowed to be sad.”

“But you’re taking it all so _well_ , and I’m just, I don’t know, pathetic-” “Kageyama, I’m sad too.” Shoyo drops all traces of a smile on his face. “I’m- I’m scared too. Of dying. Because, you’re right, I _don’t_ know how much time I have left. But I- I’m gonna try to enjoy it!” He pauses. “But you- you’ve lost 2 family members who were extremely close to you. That’s different.”

A silence fills the bathroom. Shoyo sighs, putting his head down for a second before looking up at Tobio. He opens his arms. “C’mere.”

Tobio stares at him. “Huh?”

“Hug. C’mon. I can’t get up to hug you so we’re gonna have to do it like this. C’mon, big hug, let’s go.” Shoyo laughs.

Tobio stares in silence before slowly leaning down, wrapping his arms awkwardly around Shoyo and pulling himself close, closing his eyes as Shoyo runs a hand through his hair. They sit like that for what seems like forever; Tobio doesn’t know the point he starts crying again, Shoyo doesn’t know when he starts sobbing. They pull away to wipe their tears, and Shoyo smiles.

“Cartoons and cookies?”

Tobio nods, standing up to open the door. “I’ll get a blanket.” He says, walking out to the kitchen, ignoring how Miwa wipes her own tears as she reaches into the oven to pull the cookies out.

Shoyo yawns as the credits roll, drinking from the almost-empty glass of milk and reaching to grab another cookie. “That was a good movie. Inspiring.”

“Inspiring you to what?” Tobio bites into his own cookie. “Suddenly grow a glowing red nose and lead Santa’s sleigh?” He laughs as Shoyo hits him with his arm. “-Ow- okay, okay, I’m joking!”

“Fuck off!” Shoyo yells, but he’s laughing too as he stretches on the couch. “You wanna watch one more or go to sleep?”

Tobio reaches for the TV remote and checks the time on his phone. “It’s- oh shit, it’s 1:30. AM. Uh…” “Merry Christmas!” Shoyo yells happily.

“Merry Christmas.”

“Jeez, all those movies went by _fast_.” Shoyo looks at the plate resting on the center table. “It’s a miracle how all those cookies lasted so long though.” “Yeah. So, you wanna call it a night, or?” “May as well.” Shoyo shrugs, lifting the blanket and wincing as he moves his legs a bit. “Carry.”

“Of course.” Tobio reaches one arm under Shoyo’s legs and another under his back and carefully lifts him; first up, then into the wheelchair. “I’ll clean up. You need to use the bathroom to change?”

“I got it. You go change in your room.” Shoyo wheels himself in the direction of the bathroom. Tobio just smiles to himself as he folds the blankets and puts the cups and plate in the sink.

Tobio wakes up and checks the time. It’s 3:46 AM.

He sighs to himself and plops back on the pillow on the futon, eyes already drifting shut, when he hears a sniffle come from above. From his bed. In seconds, he’s sitting up, alert, staring at the way Shoyo’s back shakes and- oh. He’s definitely crying.

Tobio doesn't know exactly _why_ he's crying (the more he thinks about it- this is the first time he's even _heard_ Shoyo cry) but he can guess; it's probably related to his illness, and Tobio can't blame the smaller boy for feeling sad over it.

It continues for a few seconds more; Shoyo sobbing into the blankets, Tobio sitting there on his futon to the side awkwardly. Like a creep. He wants to say something (a quick “ _everything okay, Hinata_?”) but Tobio realizes it’ll probably be more of an unwelcome surprise than anything of comfort, especially in the context of the situation. But the more Shoyo cries and cries (and Tobio is the last person who can judge for _that_ ), the more Tobio has the horrible need to help.

So he stands.

And slowly, very (very) slowly, he lays down on the bed next to Shoyo. By the time it settles in what he’s doing, he’s already halfway there. And as Shoyo turns around in shock, sniffling, Tobio inhales, prays to whatever gods are out there, reaches out, and hugs him, holding Shoyo close to his chest. He pats his back carefully as Shoyo takes the front of his shirt with both hands.

“H...how did you-”

“I heard you. Crying.” Tobio whispers. “Sorry.”

“N-no, don’t apologize- I-” Shoyo removes a hand from Tobio’s shirt to wipe his eyes, but Tobio takes out his own hand to stop it. “-Huh?”

“Cry it out.” Tobio exhales. “It’s okay, Hinata.” “But-”

“-It’s okay.” Tobio says, smiling, although he knows Shoyo can’t see him in the dark. “I’m here.” He whispers, as Hinata lets out a strangled cry and only holds Tobio closer; they stay like that until they both drift asleep and the sun is well high up in the air.

(Miwa peeks into Tobio’s room in the morning to see them both entangled; she simply smiles and shuts the door, letting them sleep until noon)

\--

downhill (adv.)

1\. into a steadily worsening situation.

\--

It's December 27th when Tobio is not allowed to go inside Shoyo's hospital room. The snow is falling, remnants of Christmas are everywhere, from the stores to the spirit, and Tobio is desperate.

"Why can't I see him?" He asks a nurse, holding the bag of meat buns tightly. "Is he okay?"

"He's fine." The nurse reassures him, but Tobio just narrows his eyes.

"If he's really fine, you'd _let me see him_." Tobio backs away. "Is...crap, did his condition get any worse?" His breathing begins to quicken; maybe Shoyo has lost feeling in his arms (Tobio noticed how shaky they were on Christmas Eve), maybe he's lost his vision, maybe, maybe, maybe…

"We can't disclose information about that." The nurse insists again. "Please, visit Hinata another time." She begs, and Tobio looks into her eyes and forces himself to resign.

"O-okay." He exhales, turning around and walking out the hospital, shoving the meat buns in his bag and taking his time to walk home as the snow falls, coating his hair and making him shiver.

He visits on the 29th, and the nurses stare at him and sneak quick glances as he makes his way to room 208. He feels heavy for no particular reason; filled with dread and general distaste for the future when he opens the door.

Tobio is met with the unstoppable force of sunshine that is Shoyo, smiling happily, but something about his smile doesn't reach his eyes. It must be related to the cast around his left arm.

"They told me you tried to come in." Shoyo says half-heartedly, staring at the ceiling. "And they wouldn't let you?"

"Nope." Tobio admits. "Is it- was it related to…"

"Yeah." Shoyo looks at his left arm with some weird emotion- disgust, maybe? "It's been weird for a while, really. Shaking, struggling to hold things, stuff like that. I just...didn't tell anyone."

"You- for how long?"

"I'd say it started a month ago- my hand would start shaking out of nowhere and I'd have to hold it to stop." Shoyo looks down at the bed. "And then when I'd try to hold cups of water it would hurt and I realized just what was happening."

"So...my birthday." Tobio crosses his arms. "Volleyball. When you had to set to me-"

"That was different, because at least I had two hands to support and toss it." Shoyo insists, but Tobio can tell by his face that he's just saying it to make him feel better. "It- it hurt a little bit, that's all."

"And when you use your wheelchair. Does it not strain your wrist?" Tobio's voice is low. "And you didn't tell anyone for a mont-"

"Your birthday was coming up. I couldn't- if I had said something, they would have kept me here and not let me go out. I just...held on." Shoyo looks at his left hand again. "And then you invited me over for Christmas and I had to keep fighting. _One more day, Shoyo_ , I kept telling myself. _One more day._ " He laughs. "It's why I was crying that night- both my illness and just how much I had to keep _pretending_ , and-"

"You didn't _need_ to." Tobio speaks up, suddenly, harshly. "You could have said something, I would have _tried_ to keep it quiet, you didn't need to, y'know, be in _pain-"_

"You don't get it, I-"

"Shoyo, you're fucking _dying_!" Tobio screams, not even caring about the fact that he used the other boy's first name. "You're sick and dying and your biggest concern is keeping it a _secret_?"

"That's not it at _all_ , oh my god-"

"You're _dying_ , Shoyo, you're fucking- your legs and your arms and soon your vision and everything else- and you focus on _hiding_ it all? From _me_?" Tobio's hands tighten around his knees. "You can't- what if there _was_ a way to help, a month ago, but there's no way to fix it now because you didn't say anythi-"

"Fucking hell, Tobio!" Shoyo screams, loud and horrible and on the verge of tears. "They can't fucking _fix_ me like I'm a fucking machine or whatever- Tobio, I'm _broken_."

"You don't know that at all-"

"Yes I do! You know what I have, right? You looked it up, right?" Shoyo is gesturing madly with his right hand as he talks. "There's no cure. Nothing. Basically _nothing_ is known about this illness. It's the whole fucking reason I'm in room 208- it's because they're _giving up on me_."

"They're not- no, they won't give up on you-"

"They already _have_ , goddamnit!" Shoyo shrieks. "Tobio, this hallway, these rooms are for people they _know_ are gonna die, so they just- offer them little help and try to make them live their lives to the fullest."

Suddenly it seems to all click for Tobio; Shoyo's never-ending collection of manga volumes, the party decorations, his computer; the sewing kit his mom had, the paper to write, everything.

"N-no." Tobio feels himself shrinking. "No, you're fucking with me. They won't give up- you're- mom wasn't…" He stares at the ground, unmoving, and Shoyo sucks in a breath.

"R-right, your mom…" Shoyo looks off to the side, away from Tobio, anywhere but Tobio, and they both sit in silence. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Tobio spits out. "You're the one that's dying."

He hates himself, he really does- he hates himself for being so attached; first his grandpa, then his mom, then Shoyo. He hates himself for not arguing to take an internship anywhere else, for waltzing into room 208 ( _"these rooms are for people they know are gonna die"_ ), for meeting Hinata Shoyo and not running away.

Tobio hates himself for asking about Assasination Classroom, for buying meat buns, for taking Shoyo's phone number and letting him rant for as long as he needs. For coming to the hospital, for letting Shoyo take him out on his birthday, for singing Christmas carols and hugging in the bathroom and watching movies until 1:30 AM.

Above it all, although it's really a sum of all these things combined, Tobio hates himself, he _despises_ himself, for falling for Shoyo. For falling for stupid, stupid Hinata Shoyo, knowing damn well the consequences.

Hinata Shoyo, who smiles and laughs and it feels like the sun itself is speaking, who sings carols in the most carefree tone in the world. Who takes pictures and loves manga and has a competitive spirit. Who's currently staring at Tobio with a look of heartbreak in his eyes, because that's what Tobio has done to him.

Maybe if he hadn't come here oh so long ago, Tobio thinks, Hinata would be better off. Maybe without his family visiting and his friends, Hinata would accept death easier and Tobio never would have ended up in this scenario. A scenario in which the both of them never want to let go, but Hinata's grip on Tobio's hand is slipping, and Tobio isn't sure he can hold on any longer.

_Fuck._

He wishes he listened to Miwa; to not get too attached. _Maybe if I had_ , Tobio thinks. _Maybe if I had listened to her, I wouldn't feel so broken now_.

"I guess I am." Shoyo replies, voice soft and breaking. Tobio stares at him and his tired eyes for a bit before a nurse comes in (ah shit, other people probably heard their screaming) and says that visiting hours are over, and so Tobio stands and bids Sho- no, _Hinata_ , goodbye.

"Miwa." Tobio whispers, making the other girl look up from her food. "I should have listened to you."

His sister tilts her head to the side. Hey hair is back in a messy bun, implying she had a job interview today. For a hairdresser position, of course. "Come again?"

"I should have _listened_." Tobio bites the inside of his cheek. "When you said to not get too attached. To Hinata."

"Oh." Her shoulders fall. "Tobi, I'm sorry."

"Did you know the hospital room mom was in is only for those who the doctors _know_ are gonna die?" Tobio tenses up. "They gave up on mom. And now they're giving up on Sh- Hinata. And I should have _listened,_ and-"

"Tobio, Tobio." Miwa's voice is surprisingly soft as she reaches across the table to rest a hand on Tobio's shoulder. "You- you really love Hinata, don't you?"

"Is…" _Is that what this is? Love?_ Tobio stares at her. It doesn't feel like love, he doesn't think; he feels annoyed and petty and competitive around Hinata- bold and angry. But he also feels wonder and joy and softness, staring at the sun, listening to him talk-

"I don't know." Tobio admits. "I don't- I don't know."

Miwa only pats his shoulder and smiles. "It's okay, Tobio. You'll figure it out. Eat your food." She points to the untouched noodles, and Tobio shakily nods as he grabs his chopsticks to begin eating.

\--

loneliness (adj.)

1\. the fact of being without companions; solitariness

2\. fireworks in the distance, a want to fall

\--

Tobio feels like he's stuck in a dream he can never wake up from. He operates in silence; eating, sleeping, the bare minimum. He makes conversation with Miwa when he's provoked, when he can talk, but everything passes by in his head. Nothing makes an impact anymore, not with the knowledge of Hinata and room 208. He can't bring himself to visit on December 31st, he just can't.

At around 10:30 PM, December 31st, Tobio and Miwa head down to the part of town near the water, where people already mingle and chat as if nothing is wrong. There's music, kids holding sparklers in awe, warm food in the little stands that are being set up.

It's a prime view for the fireworks, Tobio hears someone say. He looks somewhere across the water to see a building he assumes is the hospital, locating Hinata's window, in almost perfect view of the same sights.

It's 11 PM when the crowd grows and the dancing begins. The people clap as families and couples dance to the music, upbeat and happy. Tobio forces himself to clap to the beat, counting in his head. After a while, Miwa swoops in, grabbing his arm, dragging him into a symphony of moving and dancing and _music._ Tobio's not the best at dancing, actually one of the worst, but Miwa simply guides him along, laughing playfully when he stumbles but bringing him back onto his feet quickly. It all reminds him of when they were younger.

"Stop worrying." She whispers to him when the music isn't as high-energy. "He's going to be alright." Miwa smiles as the music kicks back up again, and then Tobio is being dragged along with her once again, dodging both the children who happily dance without a care in the world, and the adults to stare at each other lovingly.

The song ends, and Tobio feels out of breath from being dragged around so foolishly, but the smile on his sister's face is almost worth it as she drinks some water. It's 11:20 PM, Tobio notes, as Miwa shouts in surprise at seeing someone she's quite fond with. They talk about families and years and memories, things Tobio doesn't care to listen to.

Instead, he looks out at the water again, at how the buildings dimly reflect off the surface, and his eyes travel to the bridge to the right, high and mighty. His eyes sparkle a bit, and he quickly walks off, out of his sisters' view.

It's actually a quick walk, just following the nearby road to the bridge, and Tobio stands on the sidewalk, leaning onto the railing and looking out onto the sky as cars whistle and drive behind him. The moon is freakishly bright, hiding only behind a single cloud. Screw what someone else said; _this_ is the perfect view for the fireworks.

His phone reads 11:45 when Tobio looks over the railing onto the water below him. It's calm and steady and murky- a terrifying distance below. His knees shake a bit, and his brain entertains the wonderful possibility.

_What if you fell?_

He's heard it before; when grandpa died, sitting on the roof of his house. When mom died, legs dangling off a small cliff he found on one of his exhausting runs. And now it's when Hinata is suffering, and Tobio thinks this time is the most tempting of them all. The cold winter wind is rushing through, stinging his cheeks despite his scarf, and his legs are still shaking both due to the temperature and the tempting chance.

Tobio looks at the hospital, at where he thinks Hinata's room would be, and he smiles softly as, carefully, he brings one leg over the railing of the bridge.

His hands are shaking as he brings the other one over, and now he sits on the railing, afraid to breathe, for one wrong move spells out the end. Every move seems too much, everything is a risk.

The water seems _loud_ now, how is that even possible, and Tobio squeezes his eyes shut and forces himself to inhale and exhale. In and out. Once he opens them, he makes sure he doesn't look down.

It's 11:50 PM, ten minutes to the new year. Tobio pushes his scarf a little lower on his face and looks towards where the soft orange lights of the crowd are, as people sit down and get ready to welcome the new year. The nerves of falling have faded, replaced only with a desire to see the booming colors and mystical lights, to prove to himself he made it another year.

11:55 PM. Tobio closes his eyes.

 _Thank you._ He tells no one, maybe the gods in the sky. _Thank you for the nice weather this year, for the chance to go to Karasuno. For my decent grades, for the vending machine always having milk._

_Thank you for mom. I know I shouldn't be thanking anyone for that, I know she died. But thank you for making her so kind and caring, so supportive of me, so loving. Thank you for making sure we got to talk plenty before she died. Thank you for making sure I didn't give up when she passed._

_Thank you for dad, although he isn't always around. Thank you for Miwa, for being an amazing sister, for being there for advice and guidance and teasing and fun. Thank you for pork curry and ramen. Thank you for the cheesy movies Miwa and I would always cry and laugh over._

_And._

_Thank you for Hinata Shoyo. Thank you for putting mom in room 208 so I could find him. Thank you for every time Hinata smiled, every time he laughed, every time I felt happy because of him. I know I shouldn't be thanking you for the circumstances he's in, so I won't. But thank you for bringing him into my life._

It's 11:59 PM.

_Lastly, I just want one thing for the new year._

Tobio looks up into the sky and smiles.

Shoyo looks out the window, eyes wide, as the world seems to explode in a burst of color. The fireworks begin, the light leaking through into the hospital room, the noise deafening and _amazing_. He smiles though no one is there to see it.

"Happy new year, Shoyo." He whispers to himself, excitedly, wincing a bit when he moves his left arm a bit too fast.

The boy only watches through the big glass window as explosion after explosion, firework after firework goes off, unrelenting. _It's amazing_ , he thinks. He cherishes every boom and every color he sees, stuck in his little hospital bed, unable to walk towards the window.

Momentarily, his brain yells that _if Tobio were here, he could have walked you to the window to see more_ , and Shoyo acknowledges the truth of it, sadly, his smile dropping only a little bit. But Shoyo understands. He gets how close Kageyama is to him, yet how afraid he is of Shoyo being just like his mom, or his grandpa.

And while it saddens him, Shoyo realizes that Kageyama is the one with his whole life ahead of him, full of new people to meet and new sights to see that reach far beyond what Shoyo could ever give him. He's meant for greater things, _and he shouldn't get stuck on me_ , Shoyo thinks miserably, just as a blue firework erupts.

He wonders where Tobio is; he is among those orange lights across the water? Somewhere at home? He wonders where his family is; if Natsu is doing okay in school, if she misses him, if his mom is doing alright raising her. Shoyo wonders and wonders without answers throughout the minutes, thinking and thinking without resolution.

Once, he even turns away from the window, ready to talk, only to be faced with the empty chair and a growing feeling of emptiness.

 _Maybe dying isn't so bad_ , Shoyo thinks, not like it's the first time he's done so. _Maybe it'll be easier to be dead than live here._

He looks one last time as the fireworks die out, and slowly sinks into sleep.

New Year's dreams are very important, Tobio learns from a young age. They apparently spell out the luck of the dreamer for the year, as he hears the kids in his class brag about all the great dreams they've had. He doesn't remember his previous dreams, anything from when he's too young, but he goes to sleep that night with a pit in his stomach.

It starts off nice.

He's in a field of sunflowers, wide and beautiful, with mountains in the distance and a blue sky with not a single cloud in the air. Tobio feels free, walking through the plants, a slight breeze making the temperature perfect.

"Tobio!" A voice calls, and Tobio turns around to see Hinata; a Hinata that's _alive_ , with brighter hair and vibrant skin, and a camera around his neck, and he's _walking_ and waving his left hand.

"Aren't you sick?" Tobio finds himself asking, because he's still holding to reality. But Hinata only smiles and takes Tobio's hand, running further into the sunflower field. He begins to laugh, and it feels so _Hinata_ ; so sweet and wonderful and practically forcing Tobio to let loose.

They run and run, yet Tobio doesn't feel tired at all.

Once, Hinata makes him stop and smile next to a sunflower, holding his camera up and snapping a picture, staring at it fondly before continuing to run. The sun doesn't seem to set, no matter how long they talk and laugh, and Tobio really wishes he could stay here forever. Just him and Hinata, him and _Shoyo_ , laughing through the sunflowers.

But Tobio turns around once, only to see Hinata on the ground, panting, struggling against an unknown force. He’s crying, the camera is on the ground, and Tobio is frozen. He tries to speak- tries to say something, to run over to Hinata and _help him, goddamnit_ \- but he’s unable to talk or move to do anything as Hinata- as Hinata is _dying_.

He doesn’t know how many minutes pass. Instead of a slight breeze, everything seems too hot and too cold at the same time. The sunflowers are beginning to wilt and the sky is tinted red as Hinata gasps and wheezes, struggling to breathe, struggling to move. Eventually, the shorter boy, with his pale skin and faded hair, looks up at Tobio with all he has left.

“What are you doing?” Hinata asks, voice hoarse and weak. “Why aren’t you helping me?”

“ _I’m sorry_.” Tobio mouths, still unable to produce noises or move at all. “ _I can’t_.”

Hinata stares at him for a few seconds as a look of horrifying acceptance crosses his face, the pained expression being quickly replaced with a cheeky smile. “It’s okay.” He says quietly, with a dying breath. “No one can.”

Tobio wakes up, sitting up in his bed, sweating and crying and hugging himself as a futile attempt to calm down. He throws off his blanket and just sits there, hugging himself, whispering to himself to relax, trying and trying to erase the dream from his mind, yet to no avail.

Shoyo doesn’t dream that night.

Rather, he doesn’t remember his dream. Which, to anyone else, probably sucks, although in reality being unable to remember your dreams is very common; it’s just the heavy significance of the _New Year’s Dream_ thing. But Shoyo takes it as a sign that he’s far beyond luck for the upcoming year; no amount of luck could save him from his deteriorating muscles and worsening vision. _It’s funny to think about_ , he thinks. _I won’t live to next year._

He wakes up on January 1st with a sad smile, turning to his table to see a bouquet of sunflowers waiting for him. He never learns who was truly behind it.

\--

return (v.)

1\. come or go back to a place or person.

2\. he’s trying to pick up the pieces, back to who he was.

3\. it’s not working.

\--

Tobio goes where he knows he will be; some city center, near the gym Hinata brought him to on his birthday. But he’s not looking for Hinata (and even if he was, he wouldn’t be at the city center; he’d be at the hospital, of course).

“Oikawa-san.”

The look the older boy gives him is one of surprise as Oikawa turns around, a hand already on his hip. “Tobio-chan.”

They stare at each other. Tobio watches as Oikawa’s eyes go from his face to the volleyball in his hands, widening at the sight. Before he can open his mouth and say anything, Tobio speaks first. “Please show me how to jump-serve.” He asserts, stepping closer. “Please teach me.”

Oikawa looks a mix of confused and amused. “What’s this all of a sudden? You gave up volleyball, didn’t you?”

“Please.” Tobio says, instead of answering either question (because, frankly, he doesn’t want to answer). “You’re free today, aren’t you?” He knows the answer, they both do; because, without fail, every New Years Day when Tobio still played volleyball and went to Kitagawa Daiichi, they would find each other at the exact same city center at 11:15 AM, ready to practice. Even when Oikawa went to Aoba Johsai. It’s a routine Tobio knows well. Oikawa only sighs and steps forward, taking the volleyball. “When was the last time you played?” Oikawa asks harshly. “If you haven’t played in a while, you’ll need to do a lot of stretching-” “My birthday. I played on my birthday.”

“Oh.” A beat. “Well, we still need to stretch anyway.” The taller boy begins to walk towards the gym. “You’re definitely out of practice.” And Tobio can’t argue with that as he travels inside with Oikawa, shoving his New Year's dream out of his mind.

Tobio learns the only way he knows how; by watching Oikawa intently. The older serves a few balls with his flawless jump serve, and Tobio watches his movement, how fluid he is, the exact moment and position he hits the ball. When Oikawa resigns and gives the court to Tobio, he pulls off an almost-exact version of the same thing, the impact sounding like a gunshot.

“Jesus,” He hears Oikawa whisper. “Once a prodigy, always a prodigy.”

 _Just like Kousei_ , Tobio thinks, before snapping out of it. _Shit, no, don’t think of that right now._ Instead, he walks over to Oikawa, handing him another ball. “Hit another one. Till it breaks.”

“And you still remember my catchphrase too.” Oikawa smirks. “I’m honored, Tobio.”

“Hinata Shoyo?” Oikawa repeats the name, the words sounding foreign as they roll off of his tongue. Tobio nods.

“Yes, he said he went to Seijoh.”

“It doesn’t particularly ring a bell.”

“Uh...annoying, orange hair. Short. Energetic.”

“Oh! Chibi-chan!” Oikawa snaps his fingers proudly, and Tobio snorts at the nickname. “Yeah, he went to Aoba Johsai. Didn’t make the starting lineup, of course. Both because of his height and how he seemed very clumsy. Stumbled a lot. Why do you ask, though?”

“He’s sick.” Tobio says, staring at a volleyball. “Sick with...something, I don’t remember the name. But it’s really bad. Like, he’ll probably die this year bad.”

“It was never mentioned at Seijoh.” Oikawa looks concerned. “Usually stuff like that is included in student files, especially health-related concerns.”

“Well, it wasn’t that bad when I met him I'd say...October?” Tobio internally winces at that, at the fact it’s been a few months. “It got, well, worse in November. Really bad.”

Oikawa sucks in a breath. “Jesus.” He picks up a ball, setting it up in the air for a bit. “I’m sorry, Tobio. Your grandpa, your mom, and now this, huh?”

“Yep.” Tobio exhales. “Some shitty luck I have.”

“Ah.”

“And, well, here’s the thing.” Tobio can’t believe he’s saying this, saying this stuff to _OIkawa Tooru_ , of all people in the world. “Things are kinda, uh, well, shitty between us. Right now. I haven’t visited him since the 29th.”

“So you’re basically asking how to get to talk to him again?”

“I mean- yeah.” Tobio turns red, and he hopes Oikawa doesn’t notice (but, knowing the damn bastard, he probably does). It’s the truth; he never explicitly _visited_ Hinata; he only dropped off the flowers.

He remembers how surprised the person working the flower store was when he didn’t request his usual white chrysanthemums; rather bold and bright sunflowers resembling the ones from his dream. Of course, he doesn’t expect Hinata to know the significance of the gift, much less who they're _from_ , but the flowers are beautiful enough on their own, without the questionable connotations.

“Well, you wanna know what I did when me and Iwa-chan fought?” Oikawa spins the ball on his finger for a few seconds before slowing it to a stop with his other hand.

That’s new. “You two fought? When?”

“First year of high school. Stupid stuff, don’t worry.” Oikawa smiles sadly. “Just volleyball.”

“How’d you talk to him again, then?”

“Here’s some big-fucking-news flash, Tobio.” Oikawa looks Tobio straight in the eye and sticks his tongue out. “You literally just talk to him. That’s it. You overthinking everything isn’t gonna make it any less awkward, so get it over with.” “But- what if he hates me too-”

“You obviously still want to talk with him, don’t you? If you do, who gives a shit what _he_ thinks of _you_?” Oikawa shrugs. “If you really wanted to make things right, you would try to. That’s that.”

Tobio stares at him. “Really?”

“It’s that simple. Jeez, should’ve known you’re too emotionally constipated to understand this stu- ow!” Oikawa wheezes as Tobio hits him in the head with a ball, a hand quickly going to the spot. “Fuck off, Tobio!”

Tobio scowls a bit, but he’s internally laughing at just how stupid Oikawa looks. “That’s for calling me _emotionally constipated_.”

“What? I’m righ- ow! Why would you- _again_?!”

It’s January 3rd when he checks in to the hospital again, the lady at the desk giving him an enthusiastic little wave, as well as a comment about how she “missed” him. It makes him smile, at least a little bit, as he makes his way to room 208, opening the door slowly to see Hinata staring out the window. He turns his head, and his eyes light up quickly, so fast that Tobio can’t even comprehend it.

“Kageyama!” Hinata grins.

"Hinata." Tobio looks off to the side. "Uh, I'm sorr-"

“Happy new year! I didn’t get to greet you before, sorry, I’ve been staying off my phone and computer because they hurt my eyes.” Hinata laughs happily, seemingly ignoring the butchered apology.

 _Oh, I never considered that_. Tobio only sits down on the chair. “...Happy new year to you too.” “Did you get a good dream?” Hinata asks, and Tobio freezes.

“Pretty normal.” He lies, cringing at himself. “Wasn’t bad, wasn’t good.”

“What happened in it?”

“Nothing too interesting.” _Yeah, minus the part where you were dying._

Hinata hums. “Boring-yama. Even your dreams are boring.”

“Good to know you’re still willing to make fun of me.” Tobio taps a foot against the tile floor. “Uh...has your condition…”

“My vision’s gotten a bit worse.” Hinata begins. “They’re working on giving me glasses. Uh...left arm is pretty much the same, right arm is starting to shake. You know the deal with my legs. I still have my sense of hearing. And I don’t have any speech problems. Yet.” Tobio has to admire how blunt Hinata is with it all; no sugarcoating, just fact. Although the concerning subject makes him think it’d be better if the boy _did_ try to make it sound at least a little bit lighter than it actually is, y’know?

“Oh.” Tobio kicks the air. “You still don’t know how long you have, right?”

“Nope. But physical therapy is going alright.” Hinata admits. “Just trying to restore some type of feeling in my legs. It isn’t exactly working, but they’re trying. At least.”

“That’s good.” Tobio nods.

“I got these sunflowers.” Hinata gestures to his bedside table, and Tobio stills. “Out of nowhere. When I woke up on New Year's Day. They’re really pretty!”

“Do you know who gave them to you?”

“No, no.” Hinata looks at the vase longingly. “I’ve always wanted to go to a sunflower field.”

“Maybe it was Natsu. Or your mom.” Tobio suggests. “Who gave them to you.”

Hinata considers it, eyes moving from Tobio to the vase, before he lets out a soft chuckle. “That would make me happier than almost anything.” He looks at Tobio. “Almost.”

Tobio chooses not to dwell on the subject any longer, moving on to the newest piece of information he has. “ _Your Lie in April_ is premiering as an anime in October.”

“Really?”

“Yep. And there’s talk of _Assassination Classroom_ in 2015.”

“That’s awesome!” Hinata smiles widely. “I can’t wait for you to watch it! I hope it’s good.”

Tobio bites the inside of his cheek at those words, the direct implication that Hinata definitely won’t be around for it. “I bet it will be.”

And thus he falls for Hinata Shoyo all over again.

\--

acceptance (n.)

1\. willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation.

2\. it’ll be okay, tobio tells himself.

3\. it’s going to be alright, eventually.

\--

The next few weeks remind Tobio of the dance he and Miwa had on New Years Eve, as weird as that may sound. It’s high-energy; Hinata talks and talks, Tobio willing to listen for as long as he needs. He’s sure he’s heard every detail of Hinata’s life up to now, every story, every joke, everything. Yet he still wants to hear more, wants to talk with Hinata for as long as he can, until the day Hinata’s speech disappears and his hands are too weak to write out his stories. There are moments when the energy dips, when Hinata grows silent, and Tobio will simply begin with a silly story of his own, one that’ll bring back Hinata into his overactive, storytelling self. It doesn’t happen often, but, seeing as he does most of the listening, Tobio has plenty of stories to tell for when it does.

There are moments when they both refuse to acknowledge Hinata’s condition. He gets glasses; round and thin, and surprises Tobio with them when he walks in. Somewhere, he gets hearing aids, somewhere, he gets a small cast on his right arm too. But his smile never leaves his face whenever Tobio enters the room. Sometimes he stutters in his sentences, sometimes he forgets things, but Tobio is always there to support and bring him back up.

Tobio’s grades dip, and he doesn’t care, because he’s too busy talking to Shoyo to give a shit. He brings cookies and ramen, meatbuns and milk. They dance and dance, talk and talk, and every day Tobio falls more and more. But he never wants to pull himself up. Not when he’s this happy. He’s not getting _too_ attached, he tells himself- he’s just letting Shoyo enjoy the time he has left. They aren’t allowed to leave the hospital anymore, doctors orders, so Tobio brings everything to Shoyo. He tries to paint his world with bright colors and smiles, with enjoyable experiences and everything he has left in him. When he’s not at the hospital, he’s talking to Shoyo on the phone until sunrise, barely making it to school (he sleeps in class).

Shoyo, Shoyo, Shoyo.

Miwa makes him promise that he’s okay, that he’s caring for himself too. And Tobio says that he is, that of _course_ he’s caring for himself. Because whenever he’s with Shoyo, he’s happy. And Miwa just wants him to be happy.

One day, he’s doing homework next to Shoyo, because he has to do _some_ of it in his third-year, sadly, when the smaller boy coughs. “Do you really want to be here, Tobio?”

Right, they’re on a first name basis now.

“Of course.” Tobio grumbles. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.”

“A-ah, that makes- it makes sense.” Shoyo sighs. “I just don’t wanna be forcing ya.” He looks out at the bittersweet April sky. “To be here.”

“You aren’t.” Tobio reassures. “I love it here.”

“If you really say so.” Shoyo looks at what he’s working on. “Are you really smart enough for tha- that?”

“You- this is _basic math_.”

“Exactly. Are you s- sure you can- ow!” Shoyo laughs as Tobio flicks his pencil at him. “Sorry, sorry!”

“You should be.” Tobio grumbles, but he’s smiling. He’s always smiling now, anyway. Despite the bags under his eyes, he’s smiling. Because he’s with Shoyo, of course.

He awakens to a nurse peeking her head in. “Kageyama, your sister is here to pick you up.”

Tobio slowly comes to his senses, to the feeling of orange hair tickling his chin. “Hinata’s sleeping.” He responds dumbly, trying to move his arm from where Shoyo is clinging on to it. He realizes it is indeed dark outside, and Hinata is holding onto him, the smaller boy sleeping peacefully. Tobio is uncomfortably squished next to him, on the hospital bed, but he definitely doesn’t mind.

“Can you move without waking him up?” The nurse asks. Tobio tries.

“Maybe.” He carefully removes his arms from Hinata’s grasp, adjusting to move out of the bed. He stands, and turns to watch Shoyo sleeping peacefully, if just for a few seconds. Exhaling, he picks up his bag, packs up his stuff, and follows the nurse out to see Miwa waiting by their car.

The drive home is silent, which Tobio is grateful for.

( _“Aw, you left me sleeping, Tobio?”_

_“I had to, the nurse needed me to leave.”_

_“That’s a shame.” Shoyo sighs, and Tobio can only agree._ )

The computer is bright in the rainy darkness, and Tobio watches the screen thoughtfully, sitting up as Shoyo snores against him, the blanket up to his chin. He looks at Shoyo for a bit, smiling, pausing the anime currently playing on the computer ( _Danganronpa_ , he believes it was called?).

“You’re asleep, right?” He asks, just to make sure, and is meant only with the loud snoring of Shoyo. “Yeah, I thought so.” Tobio sighs, lowering the brightness of the computer. “You need some rest anyway.”

Silence, save for Shoyo’s light breathing. Tobio finds himself staring a _little_ longer than he probably should be, so he quickly turns away and presses play again, drowning himself in the class trial and the climatic music.

\--

google (v.)

1\. search for information about (someone or something) on the Internet using the search engine Google.

\--

_how to tell if you like someone_

_how to tell if you are in love with someone_

_can boys be in love with other boys_

_friedreich's ataxia life expectancy_

_how to stop liking someone_

_how to prepare for the death of a loved one_

_[Do you want to delete your search history?]_

_[Yes]_

\--

wish (n.)

1\. a desire or hope for something to happen.

2\. it’s a little too late for any of that, but it’s okay.

\--

“Your birthday is soon.” Tobio states once he’s done with his homework (rather, the problems he can complete, which is an...embarrassing amount). “June 21st?”

“Hm. A week, right?” Shoyo just lays back onto his pillow. “I’ll be turning 18. Exciting.”

Tobio only grumbles. “Older than me.” He’s finally read enough of _Assassination Classroom_ to be patiently awaiting the next volume to release, and he’s choosing to not read more of _Your Lie in April_ so he gets some surprise when the anime releases. So now he just sits beside Shoyo, talking and talking.

“Hah.” Shoyo laughs sweetly, adjusting his hearing aid. “Maybe I’ll make it to 19 too.”

“Maybe.” Tobio supplies, feeling only a little bit worse than before at that mention, a brutal reminder. “Your eyesight doing okay?”

“Could be worse. But it could be better.”

 _Of course it could._ “Hearing?”

“Meh.”

“What about...right arm?”

“Shaky. Still has feeling, though.”

“Legs?”

“I haven’t gotten up on my own in about 8 months, you tell me.”

“Sarcastic asshole.” Tobio pouts. “Uh...left arm.”

“Almost like my legs.”

“Does the doctor know all this?”

“Of course. He’s my doctor.” Shoyo rolls his eyes. “You do this e- every week.”

“I just like to check in. Make sure.” Tobio gives off a smile. “Alright, you got any more stories for me?”

“Mmm, no, no.” Shoyo closes his eyes, Tobio ignoring the tubes that coat his arms now, one stuck in his nose. “Your turn.”

“Let’s see…” Tobio brightens. “Oh! Did I tell you about how I got to go to a V-League game once with my grandpa?”

“No?”

“Well, yes! It was the Schweiden Adlers versus the MSBY Black Jackals.” Tobio leans his arms on his knees. “It was a really close game, but I think the Adlers won in the end. Good thing too, because I was cheering for them. Although grandpa wanted the Jackals to win. Ha. Actually, it was one of the first games that made me really want to be a setter; the Adlers setter was _really_ good.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Grandpa was lucky enough to get us a seat at the end of the court, so I got to see just how fast their setter tossed the ball, not just the side view that the cameras show. It was so cool just- seeing how fast the ball soared into the hand of the spiker, how precise it was-” Tobio is 9 years old again, sitting in the crowded stadium, watching magical things happen right in front of him, points scored and highfives shared. He’s next to his grandpa, and happier than he thinks he’s ever been.

“That’s- ah, that’s cool. Re- eally cool.” Shoyo slurs his speech a bit, but he beams at Tobio as if it’s all just nothing. “I wish I got to see a live game.”

“I wish I could have brought you to one.” Tobio admits, voice maybe a bit hoarser than before, and Shoyo nods as if he understands his regret, the want to redo and make sure he could have lived his life even better, without _any_ regrets or wishes at all.

\--

promise (v.)

1\. assure someone that one will definitely do, give, or arrange something; undertake or declare that something will happen.

2\. tobio’s never been good with them.

3\. he’s trying, though.

4\. he’s been trying a lot lately.

\--

“Happy birthday, Shoyo.” Tobio announces as he opens the door, struggling to hold everything at once as Shoyo gasps loudly, letting out a surprised squeak at the sight.

“T- Tobio- Tobio!” He laughs loudly. “What’s all this?!”

“It’s your birthday.” Tobio says plainly. “I know it isn’t as cool as what you did for me, I’m sorry. I just, kinda…” He looks around at the things he’s placed on the tables; cookies from Miwa (“just for him”, she said, lovingly), meat buns (because of course), and, most importantly, the sunflower bouquet Tobio is currently holding. “...Yeah.”

“Oh, Tobio.” Shoyo holds his hand to his mouth, hiding a smile, and Tobio doesn’t expect tears to start budding in the older boys’ eyes, running down his cheeks and dripping from his chin.

”I- shit, I’m sorry, I made you cry-”

“ _Thank you, Tobio_.” Shoyo whispers quietly, grinning unbelievably wide as he looks everything over again. “ _Thank you so much._ ”

Tobio sets the vase of flowers on the table (the other ones, the ones from January, have wilted, just like in his dream- he chooses to ignore that), and soon Shoyo is pulling him over with all his strength, bringing him into an aggressive hug, grabbing his shirt and sobbing into his shoulder. Tobio awkwardly puts his hands on Shoyo’s back.

“You’re welcome.” He replies, because that’s what you say when someone says thank you.

“ _Thank you, thank you, thank you._ ” Shoyo sobs in return, only holding him closer.

Tobio silently squeezes the back of Shoyo’s shirt, pretending not to notice how much skinnier Shoyo has gotten, and he smiles. “You’re welcome, Shoyo.”

After a bit, they pull away, and Shoyo looks hungrily at the cookies. “Can we…”

“Of course. Miwa made them just for you.” Tobio brings the plate over, and Shoyo practically devours half of it in a minute, never looking more satisfied. “I was, y’know, thinking you would take it...slower…”

“Never.” Shoyo hums. “Not when it’s cookies.”

“I should have figured.” Tobio states tiredly, reaching for the meatbun bag and placing it on Shoyo’s lap, this time taking one for himself, because he still needs to eat lunch. They talk some more, mainly just Shoyo complimenting the cookies (which Tobio will _not_ tell Miwa about, because he doesn’t need more of her ego, no thank you) and Tobio telling wonderful stories about her many failed attempts in creating said cookie recipe.

The sun is setting before Tobio knows it, and he sadly stands up (knees are a bit sore from sitting for so long, wow) and waves goodbye to Shoyo, the two of them wrapping themselves up in one big hug before he has to leave for the day. The walk home feels more like Tobio is flying; he’s happy and free and he feels invincible.

He tells Miwa that Shoyo simply enjoyed the cookies and everything else, and she nods in satisfaction before having to pick up a call. She gets a job, a hairdresser for a movie in America, and soon she’s jumping and happy and hugging Tobio, and he’s _so happy for her_. America, _America_ , she repeats. She’s going to get to go to America sometime in September. Tobio wishes her well already; she's moving on, going to higher places.

“Tobio.” Shoyo whispers, making Tobio look up from his summer break homework. The August heat is really getting to him.

“Shoyo?”

“Y’know, we need to- to- uh…” He pauses to breathe. Tobio is really beginning to hate the beeping of the heart monitor next to him, the tubes in Shoyo’s arms. “Make some...promises.”

“Promises.” Tobio repeats.

“Yeah.” Shoyo looks at the ceiling. “I know I don’t have- shit- a lot of ti- ime.”

“Oh.”

“So.” Shoyo hums, although it sounds like it hurts a lot. “One. You’re g- gonna finish _Assassination Classroom_. And _Your Lie in April_. The animes.”

“I was planning to.” Tobio mumbles.

“Two. You’re going to p-play volley- play volleyball again.”

Tobio stills at that one. “Huh?”

“You’re going to play again.” Shoyo confirms. “And you- you’ll find someone strong enough to keep up, okay?” Tobio doesn’t reply, but Shoyo continues. “Three. You’ll be happy.”

“O- okay.”

“Four. You’ll do all your schoolwork.”

“What are you, my teacher?” Tobio whispers, but he listens some more. “And?”

“And.” Shoyo sucks in a breath. “Five. You won’t miss me any more than you should.”

\--

end (n.)

1\. a final part of something, especially a period of time, an activity, or a story.

2\. room 208, silence.

3\. letters.

\--

There’s a lot of _knowing_ when Tobio visits in September, before Miwa is set to leave for America. From the heart monitor to the suffocating feeling, to Shoyo laying so still in his bed, something hooked up to him to help him breathe. It's not a good thing to know.

“Hi, Shoyo.” Tobio whispers, sitting next to the smaller boy slowly. Shoyo barely opens his eyes, not like he’d be able to see anyway, and he turns his head. He mouths something, something soft, and Tobio forces himself to breathe as he covers Shoyo’s skinny hand with his own.

“I know.” Tobio says, biting his tongue. “I know. I’ll miss you too. But not too much.” He remembers promise number 5, removing his hand from above Shoyo’s. “Uh- Shoyo, I’m gonna ask you a bunch of questions and you can- uh- tap your finger. One for yes, two for no, ok?”

One tap.

“Are you- are you happy?”

One tap, again. Tobio exhales.

“Good, good, that’s- that’s good. Are you in pain?”

A pause. Two taps.

“That’s really good.” The back of his throat stings. “Do you have anyone you want me to- say anything to?”

Two taps. The way Shoyo turns to “look” at him indicates the smaller boy already has a plan in that regard.

“Even your mom and Natsu? You have something for them?” One tap. “That’s good. Um, shit…Are you okay with...dying?”

Silence.

One tap.

“O-oh, okay.” Tobio swallows. “Do you think you lived a good life?”

One confident tap.

“Was-” Tobio catches himself, turning away to exhale, looking back. “Shoyo, was I- was I a good-”

One strong tap as Shoyo smiles. Or, well, tries to. Tobio relaxes, and tears are definitely coming down now.

“ _Thank you, Shoyo_.” Tobio says, closing his eyes. “ _I'll miss you_.”

Hinata Shoyo passes in the night. When Tobio is finally able to sleep, he’s awakened by his phone ringing and then Miwa is driving him to the hospital in a rush. Everything is loud and horrible, Tobio thinks, holding the seat belt tightly.

After God knows how long, he’s let into the room, to see Shoyo’s eyes closed, traces of a smile on his face. The doctors and nurses give him a sad look; he only nods back, staring only at how _calm_ Shoyo looks, how calmly he went away to sights higher than Tobio could ever show him in the short time they had together.

And, even if only for that moment, Tobio feels at peace with where both he and Shoyo are now.

( _“White chrysanthemums.” he tells the flower shop worker again._

_“Visiting him again?” He asks._

_“No, someone new.”_

_“Oh, I’m sorry for your loss.”_

_“Thank you." A beat. "It’ll be okay.”)_

Tobio doesn’t know how long he stands in front of Shoyo’s casket, staring at the picture of him still full of life, thinking things but never saying them.

He meets Shoyo’s family at the funeral, back in his uncomfortable black suit. His mom and sister have the same striking, orange hair full of life and love; it makes Tobio a bit sick, but he bites it back as he shakes hands.

“I understand you were close to Shoyo.” Shoyo’s mom says, and Tobio freezes.

“Y-yes.” A pause. “He really wanted you guys to visit him.”

“I know.” She smiles sadly and looks at Natsu, who is talking happily with Miwa about whatever. “I wanted to, too.”

“W- why didn’t you?”

“I was scared.” is all she says, and Tobio just nods, because he can understand that, at least. “Oh, right.” She reaches into her bag and pulls a letter. “This for you. Tobio. From Shoyo.”

Tobio takes it shakily, bowing with a quick “thank you”.

“Thank _you_ , Tobio.” Shoyo’s mom smiles again. “Thank you so much.”

\--

_Dear Tobio Kageyama,_

_It feels weird writing a letter to someone you just were with…_

_You’re the worst._

_Indecisive. Gullible. Twit._

_Haha, just kidding! I hope you didn’t think I was actually gonna quote all of Kaori’s letter! It would have been sweet, but no._

_I’m writing this when I can still write; forgive my handwriting if it’s a bit messy, I can’t help it, as you know._

_Ah, where do I begin? You barged into my life rudely, y’know. Literally. Straight into my hospital room. Things would be a lot different if I had just called the nurses on you; I think about it a lot. But I got to know you and all your awkward parts, your stutters and glares and everything, and I’m glad I didn’t call someone. Even if you are a little bit crazy._

_I should have told you about my condition earlier; I know it must have stung to be told by knowing I needed a wheelchair. But I liked it when you didn’t care, at least for a little bit. I got to be normal around you, as close to normal I could be for a kid so desperately sick. And when you found out- I felt bad. For you. And then I tried to go to the bathroom and I was screaming and crying- ah, I guess that’s when you realized everything wasn’t gonna be okay, right?_

_Your birthday was fun, I enjoyed getting to meet your grandpa and mother. They raised you well._

_Christmas was amazing as well- your hugs are the best in the world, I hope you know that._

_I wonder where you were on New Years- I was simply watching through the window at the fireworks. I actually wondered ‘hey, if Tobio were here, he could walk me to the window to see’! But you weren’t there. I hope you got to watch the fireworks, wherever you were. I also hope you had a good dream, even if you won't tell me about it._

_I know it must have been difficult for you, knowing I was getting worse and worse every visit. I admire how well you tried to keep up the act; both for me and for you. It’s a fine skill. It makes me sad you probably have experience using it- no one was amazing as you should lose so much._

_Now, I’ll remind you of our promises, okay?_

_One: you watch Assassination Classroom and Your Lie in April. Right to the end. You should like Nagisa more, in my opinion, but Karma is cool too. I hope when you watch Kaori, you think of me. But not the sick me; no, the happy one._

_Two: you play volleyball again. Ask Oikawa for help, even though I know that’ll be difficult. You don’t have to be a genius or the best; I know how much volleyball means to you and I want you to relive it all over again. You'll find someone strong, a companion that'll soar with you to the national stage. I believe in you._

_Three: you’ll be happy. Without me, when you think of me, I don’t care. I just want you to be happy._

_Four: Do your schoolwork. Get good grades. Whenever you mess up, just think of me, calling you stupid._

_Five: Don’t miss me too much. I don’t want you to be sad over me, Tobio. I don’t want you to be holed up and alone over me, to push others away because you’re scared of growing close again. That’s the last thing I want. Please don’t do that._

_…_

_I love you, Tobio._

_It’s such a stupid and cheesy thing to say, especially in a letter, of all things, but it’s true. Love is a weird thing, I would say. With you, it was more teasing and arguing, food and volleyball. Definitely not what you see in the movies. But I think it’s the best kind of love. Does that make sense? Probably not, ahah._

_Ah, my wrist is beginning to hurt._

_I love you, I love you, I love you, Tobio. You, in all your angry glory. I want you to think of me; 5 years, 10 years in the future, and smile. Even if it looks like Korosensei! I don’t want you to be sad when “Hinata Shoyo” is spoken, okay?_

_If anything gets too bad, too dark, too horrible, talk to someone. I know I did a lot of the talking between us, but I want you to know other people can listen. Just...don’t give up, okay? Don’t let go. I don’t want to see you in heaven too early. I'll kick you straight back to Earth if I do._

_Just hang on, Tobio. I’ll always be here to make sure you do._

_Love, Shoyo._

_\--_

heal (v.)

1\. alleviate (a person's distress or anguish).

\--

Tobio feels almost at peace as he folds the letter back up, putting it away. He walks outside, looking to the sky with a grin on his face as the wind soars through his messy hair. Inhale, exhale.

In and out.

Knowing that Shoyo is readily standing behind him, cheering him on in the annoying way he always did, Tobio is willing to push through the pain, and make it to another day.

\--

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! i hope you found it at least a little bit enjoyable! 
> 
> again, i know i didn’t capture...everything i wanted to. but, again, i don’t think i have a confident enough grasp on what i’m trying to say. i hope my dumbed down version is enough. i love these two, and this ship, so much. 
> 
> hinata's letter goes out from me to you. finish that anime, pick up anything you've lost in the past, be happy, do good in school, and never give up, okay?
> 
> (if you're reading this, follow me on insta and feel free to yell with/at me about kagehina - @certifiedgianna)


End file.
